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WOPA Letter 21 - My Story

My story starts somewhere between being born and August 24th, 2013. Somewhere in between those two significant events, I was continually on and off rollercoasters which is ironic because I absolutely hate rollercoasters.

My first big rollercoaster was living through my teenage years. The memories I have of this time, which are few and far between, consist of fighting, self-harm, struggling with an eating disorder, feeling alone, wanting to die, substance abuse, and hating my parents for not loving me enough. This rollercoaster lasted three and a half years. I compare it to Tower of Terror at Disneyland. Every day was different but every day had heartache and sadness and so much anger. I was angry at life, angry at my parents, angry at God. And along with my anger, I was constantly living in fear of what the next blow up would be.

Eventually, the ride was over. I was sent to a wilderness therapy program and built a lot of trust in myself and the hard things I could get through. Weeks before graduating from high school, I saw him walk into the seminary building at my high school. His blue eyes were piercing and his smile was bright. I had known him for years but never before had I noticed him like that.

His name is Peter Pan and he had just returned home from his mission. He was visiting an old teacher and when I walked into that seminary building, he noticed me too---and I'm assuming he saw me in a different light than before too because he tried to talk to me as I walked past him. His voice was quiet and I hadn't heard a word he said.

He called me the night I graduated high school and we spoke for a while. Throughout the summer while he was living in another state, we would talk on the phone almost every night. But we were just friends. The jokes about me being his fiance were just jokes he had made at a fireside one night. They weren't real.

But on a cold day in October, right after celebrating my 19th birthday, I hopped on life's next rollercoaster. I was dating him.
By December, we were engaged. By the next April, we were married.

It all happened so fast and I figured all of the fears from my previous rollercoaster were over because I was married forever. I would never be single again. I would never struggle like that again.

But in order for you to understand the middle of the rollercoaster, let's skip to the end. On August 24th, 2013, he left me. I was completely blind-sided by his decision. I was lost. I was scared. I was now a single mother.

It wasn't until April 2014 that I found out about his addiction to pornography and the ginormous role that played in our difficult marriage. I had been looking for answers but I didn't want pornography to be one of the answers---especially not the main answer. I found out after months of depression, anxiety, and the worst state I've ever been in, in regards to my eating disorder. Things got so much worse before they started to get better.

I realized the rollercoaster was equivalent to Space Mountain---dark, scary turns, eery music, and random lights flashing. It was all unstable. I was unstable. Everything I had built trust in had been a lie. He had lied to me for seven years.

I have since come to the end of Space Mountain. I have found a smaller rollercoaster to ride for a while as I try to figure out my eating disorder recovery and how divorce works with two children. I have found hope in a place I didn't believe hope could exist. I have found trust in the people who have rallied around me and supported me through this hell.

I call him Peter Pan because he is a lost boy. I tried to love him the best way I knew how but it was never enough. There was nothing I could've done because he kept me in the dark for so many years. I couldn't help him because I didn't know. I didn't know the real Peter.

I am Wendy. I have left Neverland and am building my new life, a life I didn't believe could be this sweet. It is a life filled with some dark nights and some very fearful days but it is intertwined with some of the best moments I've ever experienced in my life.

I can do hard things. I can be brave in the midst of some pretty overwhelming situations. I am Wendy and I own who I am and how I perceive this life I live.

And today, this life is incredible.


www.thestoryofwendyandpeterpan.blogspot.comWendy

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