“Isn’t this the whole point?” my seminary teacher asked our class from the depths of his soul, “to draw close to Him, so close that one day we will see His face…” that was the moment that my life changed forever. I had been meeting with the Missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, attending 6AM seminary with some friends before school for my last 2 months of High School, and I knew that joining the church was what I needed to do. I longed to be closer to my Savior, to make a better life, to serve and bless other people. I saw right away that through the Church, I could do all of that. I could be closer to my Savior. I NEEDED to be closer to Him. I had a sober mind for an 18 year old.
That’s because in many ways I became an adult by age 12. Loads of childhood confusion and pain left me wishing I could die, and trying to many times at that tender age. But with the true discovery of God, I found healing enough to press forward in life without the help of parents. I became a “truth seeker” in every sense, determined to be better than the generation before me, and the generation before them, and the generation before THEM! You see, my family history is laden in addiction and sexual evils. Behind every good or decent woman in my family is a man who has had affairs with other women and with his own children. With this kind of life, you can imagine that addiction of every kind ran rampant in order to drug their pain and conscience. This is the case for 3 generations back on both my mother and father’s sides of the family. I fortunately was not a victim of sexual abuse; however I was the victim of every other poor choice my parents made. Like the choice my dad made to use street drugs, and have an affair on my mom when she became chronically ill. Then his life ended at age 47 to cancer that he couldn’t fight against because of the poor quality of his health from drug use, dying when I was 12. And the choice my mom made to become addicted to prescription drugs making her emotionally unfit to raise me, her only daughter, because of the baggage she carried/ continues to carry due to the sexual abuse she endured as a child from her father.
I knew I had to be different. I knew I could stop the cycles. When I joined the church, I thought I had. When I joined the church, I knew I would get to see the Savior’s face, and I have.
I was very careful in my selection of a husband. I was thrilled to find so many virgin men who had served missions and had hearts devout to the Savior, AND they were good looking too! I never realized these type of men existed until joining the church and attending the University ward in the city where I attended college. I dated around. I even had a missionary that I was planning to wait for while I finished my Bachelor in Biology with plans to head to Medical School following that. But the first time I set eyes on the man who would become my husband I completely lost interest in all other boys in my life, including breaking it off with my current boyfriend, to pursue this man. He had just returned from his mission and he and I were in the same calculus class. I started asking around about him and found out what an amazing guy he was. I heard things like, “he held his priesthood so worthily as a young man,” and “he is so spiritual,” and “he is going to get snatched up FAST!” He was such a charmer, polite speech, modest but nicely dressed, well groomed. The first thing he ever invited me to was a baptism. When I arrived, I found that HE was the one doing the baptizing! That evening turned into our first date. Our courtship was magical. Not to be nauseating, but literally there is no other word to describe it. I would pray at night that we would park by each other, and that we would show up at the same time so that we could walk together, and EVERY SINGLE TIME I PRAYED, we did. Whether I was 10 mins late or 10 mins early, we pulled up at the same time. I knew he was the man I was to marry, from day one. We read scriptures together every night. It was the first time I had ever read the Pearl of Great Price. He had so much scriptural knowledge. He was out serving and sharing the gospel. He showed me the council of the Prophets on the family and I decided that I would finish my Bachelor degree but that I would switch my focus to having and raising children. He was polite with my friends and fit in well in every setting. He made conversation easily and my family, who are all rough around the edges, just ate him right up! They loved him from day one. And his family is absolutely amazing as well. All very close, not ALL members of the church but all so loving and welcoming and really beautiful and accomplished. You can imagine our courtship went quickly. We were married 7 months after our first date.
During our courtship we had hard discussions as well. I let him read my journals from my childhood. I told him every sin I had committed in my past, even though I had fully repented. I shared with him my current weaknesses and frustrations. My cousin/brother was in prison when we got married. I was VERY real. I thought he was too. He shared weaknesses with me, he shared sins he had committed. He shared that he had struggled with pornography in the past. I felt I was going into the marriage with eyes wide open. I couldn’t wait to make new covenants with my Heavenly Father in the Temple and really draw closer to the Savior, as well.
Several months after our marriage when life settled in and we got into our own apartment and back into the grind of school and work and were pregnant with our first child he told me that he had slipped and viewed pornography. He said he had already been to the Bishop, and the Bishop told him not to tell me, but he felt he HAD TO TELL ME. In his mind, I freaked out. I honestly have no recollection of my response. But periodically after that happened I would ask, “How are things going? How are you doing? Like really?” Sometimes even being as specific as saying, “how are you doing with pornography?” Always the response was the same, “fine! Great! Really well!”
4.5 years later, after the kids and I came home from visiting family, I found him very rude and cranky. This was completely out of character for him and I was in prayer constantly to keep from lashing back at him. After this went on for four days I sat down and asked him what was going on and he went off for several hours about everything that I was doing wrong. This was SO unlike my husband. As he spoke, I prayed, and God told me, “this is not about you, this is about him.” As he continued to speak, God also told me, “pornography.” And finally, once he had finished blaming me to the nth degree, the question came to me to ask, “How are you doing? Like how is your worthiness?” To which he broke down sobbing telling me that he was addicted to pornography. This was August 2012. I learned a year later that the truth actually was that since 9 years old he has had this addiction… not just found it then, but literally addicted then. Not just to pornography, but to pornography and masturbation. He admitted to lying to me multiple times to go and act out his addiction, and he admitted that he was ready to get help. This was a miracle! He had finally fessed up. I didn’t know it, but when he was on his mission, the last 6 months he went back to pornography and masturbation and those words, “how is your worthiness?” were the exact same words his Mission President used when he indicated a change in this young Elder. Anyways, I VIVIDLY remember my response. I bore my testimony of the Savior, and the healing I had found through the Atonement, and the healing he could find, and the wonderful man that he is, and the support that I was willing to give him. I DID NOT GET IT AT ALL. He began religiously attending the PASG Porn Addict Support Group, put on by LDS Family Services. But for some reason, the lies continued. That year was the most two-faced year of them all. I thought, WOW this is GREAT, he is getting help and changing, and he is so great, he makes this look easy! All the while, we were broke as ever as he continued to switch jobs and career pursuits. All the while, he continued to lie straight through his teeth.
Our entire marriage (5.5 years) we have been through about 10 different jobs and at least a handful of different career pursuits. He even went back to school after having completed his bachelor degree a year earlier, to become a teacher. He finished all the required classes and student teaching, and then decided he didn’t “want to” be a teacher anymore. We have 3 young children.
June 2013 my husband started actually working on the 12 steps with a Sponsor and being a lot more "honest"... where I realized that the entire last year was actually just a facade to protect his addiction. I was hurt, but again I thought, "GREAT now he is ACTUALLY getting recovery," and about 6 weeks into the program, right after the birth of our 3rd child, he lost his sponsor because he stopped doing the coursework as he was supposed to. One week after the birth of our child he started working a business that was basically gifted to him by his brother. It is wonderful and has a lot of potential for growth, but I continually saw him doing the same things he had always done with every other career pursuit... finally, after discovering that he had lied to me AGAIN about acting out in his addiction, I prayed and sobbed and prayed and sobbed and realized, he needed to go. I kicked him out. I didn’t really know why, I didn’t really know what an “addiction to pornography” was, STILL! But I knew what I needed to do. I was horrified to receive a 5.5 hour disclosure about a week after he moved out. That moment confirmed to my MIND what my heart had already known; kicking him out was exactly what I needed to do. He lived out of our home for about 4 months and made some dramatic changes. He worked the steps with all his might and began breaking down walls of resentment and blame towards me. He continued supporting us financially while he lived on his dad’s couch. The hope was that he would find recovery and some form of consistency in responsibility to take care of his family… But I had no guarantees. That boundary was put in place to keep the kids and me out of his day to day confusing life. And as a side benefit, I found myself again.
I have been very mad. I am still very mad. But in my anger I realized, he DOES have the power to destroy our marriage. BUT he DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY my life, or my kids’ lives. Only I can dictate my own life. I am co-creator of my life with my Heavenly Father and his actions do not change the fact that I am a chain breaker. So after years of waiting and sacrificing for him to support our family, I am going to be going back to school to get a Master’s Degree and a career. It stings like shoving salt on an open wound, that I cannot be home with my kids anymore, but I have done ALL I can do.
I see a lot of progress spiritually in my husband, only time will tell if this is lasting progress or not. I have recognized that all that I can do is my part. I cannot drag him into Heaven with me. He has to show up on his own, from the sweat of his own brow from working in his own trenches of the Atonement. I have married a man with a sex addiction, like every other woman in every generation before me on both sides of my family. But this sex addiction will not destroy my life, and I will exert ALL my effort to inspire and persuade my children that there is more to this life than addiction and sexual sin. It is my purpose in this life to break the chains of bondage and find and pass down chains of light. You can learn more about my story at my blog: www.chainsoflight.blogspot.com
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