As a woman, one month ago I lost a sense of control over my life when the depth and breadth of my husband's pornography problem came to light. I felt powerless to an onslaught of fear and anxiety that filled nearly every aspect of my life, as things hung precariously with my husband's work and the issue of trust in our relationship. I heard this situation described once as:
" . . . tipping over a cart of neatly stacked apples . . . when the metaphorical apple cart gets dumped over, the order and predictability of one’s life gets scattered in all directions. Energy previously used for other things gets re-routed to gathering, cleaning, sorting, and re-stacking the “apples.” This process is fraught with disorder, confusion, and humiliation."
I felt this way . . . things that used to be easy were now hard. Very hard. Getting through the day doing much more than feeding and caring for my kids was sometimes difficult. Church and other responsibilities sometimes seem so overwhelming that I, at times, nearly have panic attacks. What is hardest for me about this, is that I've NEVER been someone who's had a hard time juggling everything in life, and I would have never described myself as anxious or easily rattled, and now all the sudden I was crying at the drop of the hat, and the mere thought of any responsibility outside of the direct care of my children caused my heart to race and for me to get stressed and anxious. I couldn't answer my phone or my door, for fear of someone asking me how I was doing and me crumpling to the floor in tears and looking crazy. All of my mental, emotional and physical energy goes to this 'issue' and to the care of my family -- every thing else seems a bit overwhelming and scary. Now, this is getting better. And it's not every day, it hits in waves. Those waves used to be several times a day, then every other day or so, and now once or twice a week. But it is getting better, and I feel more capable and happy and normal every day. My husband is learning that these hurt feelings come in waves, and that discussing them once does not 'solve' the problem, but that he needs to expect to hold me while I cry or vent or have questions a couple nights a week.
One of the things I came across that helped me immensely has been this "First Aid for Spouses" list I found. It gave both my husband and I some ideas of what would help me as we moved forward. (My own experiences added in italics)
First-Aid
1. Physical self-care is probably the most overlooked aspect of early recovery for women.
Trauma is mostly experienced in the body. The body is designed to protect us from danger. If an individual experiences a serious threat to their safety (emotional or physical), their body will become tense, flooded with adrenaline, and have difficulty calming down. To ignore the body is to ignore one of the greatest resources for healing. I have found that women who make physical self-care a priority heal much faster from the impact of their husband’s secretive behaviors. Many women find that getting more sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, meditating, stretching, soaking in warm water, and slowing down to nurture their physical body can help them shift out of survival mode so they can think clearly.
(I was shocked at the level of which my body was affected. The night of 'full disclosure' from my husband, I shook so hard that my muscles hurt for days. I was amazed at the effect this had on my body physically. The complete draining and exhausting of my physical reserves was something we both needed to take into account and make allowances for. Even now, over a month into our dealing with this, I still feel physically weaker -- as if even without my knowledge, my body is constantly on guard and 'handling' this situation as stress.
2. Spiritual grounding provides feelings of peace, hope, and reassurance in the face of so much uncertainty. Meditation, prayer, seeking comfort and counsel from scriptures, and counseling with church leaders allow women access to power and strength beyond their own. Some women find it hard to attend church and spend time with others when they feel so low and vulnerable. It can help to spend time where spiritual feelings are easier to access, such as visiting peaceful locations in nature or listening to uplifting music.
(It was definitely hard to be around people -- those at Church included. I felt like a liar to put on a happy face and pretend like I wasn't dying inside. But, I did find peace and acceptance and friendship there, despite people not knowing what was going on for me. It was HARD for me to go back to the Temple after this all happened -- because of the betrayal I felt in my marriage, to go back to this place that was the pinnacle of all that my family and future is supposed to be, was painful. But I have gone, weekly in fact. I won't lie and say that it made me feel better and it was a great experience. The first couple weeks, it was a 'chore'; something that was on my 'to do' list . . . but I did it in faith that this is what I needed to do, and even if I couldn't feel it yet, God was there to support and uplift me, especially in His house. The last couple times I've went have been better. I would love to say I've had some dramatic understanding or revelation come to me while being in the Temple, but I am finding and learning that there is most definitely something there for me -- that through simple obedience and faith, I am drawing closer to my Heavenly Father. Praying and reading scriptures have also been increasingly helpful, and are key to the healing both my husband and I are feeling. There are days when it does not help how I want it to, and I get frustrated, but I know that I just need to keep going with it, because without fail, the next day things feel better. General Conference was HARD for me this year. I had prayed and studied and gone to the temple in preparation for the weekend, so I was shocked when I not only didn't feel uplifted, but actually felt more hurt and angry, after the first day's sessions. The talks of covenants, womanhood, priorities driving our choices, and the power of the atonement were great for my husband, as he's recommitted to making the most of our marriage and relationship. And I tried to be touched while I watched him cry as he heard the counsel laid before him. For me though, I couldn't help feeling like there were all these reminders of how I hadn't been a 'priority' and how our covenants had been polluted through his use of pornography. I was very upset that evening, but it led to a wonderful conversation between my husband and I, and by the next day I was able to watch the rest of Conference without as many negative emotions running rampant, and was able to get much more out of Sunday's sessions. I wish I could say that I had gotten what I needed, but my plan is to carefully study the talks after they come out in the Ensign so that I can find the messages the Lord has for me and my family that I missed due to my hurt feelings and clouding emotions.)
3. Emotional expression is critical throughout all stages of recovery, but especially in the early stages. Many women find it helpful to write their feelings in a new journal that they have the option of throwing away at a later date. Emotions can be so strong early in this process that some women worry about putting raw feelings in their regular journal. It’s important to have the freedom to express feelings in a healthy non-aggressive way. No feeling is inappropriate. Feelings come and go like the waves of sea, so it’s important to give them full expression and movement. Holding on to any strong emotion with the hope that it will disappear only keeps it stuck. Talking with others can also help, which is explained in the next item.
(There's been one metaphor that has helped my husband and I more than I can put into words. The idea is that by a husband listening to his wife's painful emotions it is like clearing the gunk from the mouth of a spring. Imagine a spring of water with a great big stopper plugging it. You unclog it, only to discover that the water that flows from it is murky and gross. You think, "This is no good, I don't want this water," and decide to plug back up the hole. Here's the problem: You can't tell this by what is coming out fro the surface, but that gunky water only goes down about 20 feet into the ground. Beneath that, the water is pure and clean. By plugging the spring back up, not only have you left the muck still at the surface, you're holding back the life-giving, refreshing water that could flow from deeper down. You're keeping the good water from coming out and washing away the polluted junk. So, when you sense a fresh flow of gunk, don't try to stop it . . . it doesn't help anyone to let it build up. Let the gunk come out, because it needs to come out.
We both find we feel much better after 'clearing the water' as we call it. The conversations are at times very painful, for one or both of us, but we have found without exception, we feel better afterwards. I've also found that it's important for me to be honest, but to NEVER say anything with the intention of hurting him. Do many of my hurt emotions hurt him? Yes, painfully so. I have never seen him cry like he has in the last month as he has had to deal with my own tender and painful feelings. But I try and stick with just the honest feelings I'm having, but without attacking him or TRYING to hurt him. This isn't about telling him it was stupid that he looked at porn at work, but that it has left me feeling scared and insecure in our financial future. It's that whole "I" statement thing . . . nobody can argue with how you feel, and in sharing those feelings, it in some small way releases them.
At the same time, I have found that (I'm sure, just by my nature as a woman) that there are things I need to go over and over and over again in my head. I find that there are things that can go into a journal or be shared with my Heavenly Father, rather than need to be discussed every single day with my husband. Although, if there are things that I cannot get out of my head after a few days, I find it usually means we haven't 'cleared the water' completely yet, and we discuss it again, reach a better understanding of where we're both at on that topic, and it seems to magically 'melt away' and I feel better.)
4. Connecting to others who can help is also difficult to do, but has tremendous benefits as well. It’s not recommended that a woman who learns about her husband’s behavior broadcast her pain to just anyone who will listen. Instead, it’s important to identify a few key individuals who: 1) will keep confidences, 2) can provide a safe place to talk, 3) won’t negatively judge her or her husband, and 4) can offer some support and direction. It can be beneficial for the long-term stability of the relationship for a woman to inform her husband that she will be speaking to specific individuals about her struggles. Helpful individuals often include ecclesiastical leaders, therapists, parents or siblings, 12-step support groups, therapy groups, and close friends.
After a couple weeks of me no longer being able to answer my front door or answer my phone, because of how emotionally isolated I felt, and how afraid I was to talk to anyone without bursting into tears, we decided as a couple that I needed to have someone I could talk to above and beyond him. We chose carefully and prayerfully a sister in law I'm very close to. We felt strongly that she would be a huge support to me, while being a caring, non-judgmental person in our lives who cares greatly about both of us. It has been so incredibly wonderful for me to have someone I can talk to during the day when I need to (or when I don't want to go over the same emotions over and over again with my husband, I've found by talking to her, I've quickly gotten to the root of what the 'real' problem was and I was able to go to my husband with the deeper feelings that were bugging me. I don't use this relationship to bash my husband, I've found it's been of utmost importance to me that she understand how much I love and value my husband . . . but she is always there to help diffuse my heated or tender emotions in a way that only another woman seems to be able to. I am still considering going to a 12 step support group, just so I have some people to talk to who know exactly how I feel. Sometimes you just need empathy, instead of just sympathy.)
5. Simplifying life is certainly a goal for most people, but this is an excellent reason to begin. This is the ideal opportunity to begin saying “no” to extra commitments, evaluating the schedule, and looking for things to cut out. Dealing with the trauma of betrayal is so physically and emotionally exhausting that everything that used to feel easy will suddenly feel impossible. It’s important to keep a simple structure in place so there is order and predictability in life. However, a frenzied pace only functions as a distraction and eventually catches up in the form of more hopelessness, feelings of failure, and powerlessness. Helping others can create a sense of purpose as well. It is better to slow down and prioritize those things that will bring the greatest peace, joy, and comfort.
(This one can be hard in a life with children and community and family and Church responsibilities . . . but I'm learning this one. I have found friends and family to take over simple things for me, and it's been amazing how much getting some of the 'little stuff' off my plate has helped immensely. I have been completely blown away by just how much, as it says above, that the trauma of betrayal has been so physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausting to me. I have found I crave more order in my home, and I spend more time in newly created cleaning and child-care routines. It's like I have this one area of my life I'm totally in control of, when I feel a lack of control in the rest of my life. I have let people take a few of my Church calling responsibilities, but there are others I have a fierce attachment to, as they allow me to feel like I'm serving others and doing something good.)
6. Education is critical in the early stages of recovery. There are many good resources available to help women understand the scope of the problem. I maintain a readings list for partners available on my resources page of http://lifestarstgeorge.com/blog/ Education can help validate common feelings and clear up misconceptions about addiction and recovery.
(I had not expected this, but this has been one of the most useful things for me in terms of healing and feeling better. Education has been helpful in my understanding of my place in this issue -- mainly, that this problem is not about me. It has nothing to do with me being 'enough' in any sense of the word. It existed before we were married, and it would've been an issue no matter who he married. My self esteem and self worth has taken blows throughout this all, but I feel like both are still standing due in large part to my understanding of this issue. Since I have no control over what choices my husband does or does not do, the act of educating myself about the issue of pornography has been something I can 'do' and that I have control over. A huge part of what I've looked into is information put out by the Church and other Christian organizations about how to talk about pornography and sexuality with my own children. That is something I can do -- I can try to do my best as a Mom to educate, prepare and protect my children from this issue. I know I don't have control over them and their choices and experiences either, but I can start now to work prayerfully with God at doing what I can to educate my family about this topic. Also, scripture study has been an equally important education for me -- there is no study of the atonement and Jesus Christ that I have ever done that has felt as important as the one I'm doing now.)
Long-term Healing
Healing from the effects of a husband’s pornography addiction is best compared to grief, loss, and bereavement. The discovery of a partner’s secret sexual behavior can cause a woman’s life (as she knew it) to flash before her eyes. Recovering from this loss is a process of understanding the shock and anger, processing the sadness of what was lost, and moving toward acceptance of the new life. The new life may or may not include a husband who is committed to long-term recovery. Regardless of that outcome, it’s still critical for women to do the long-term work of healing from the impact of secret pornography use.
Bishop, please feel free to pass this on to any other women in our Ward who need it -- I want them to know they're not alone.
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