Dear Sisters,
I want to start off by acknowledging some of the awkwardness in all this -- mainly mine!
I’m here speaking about pornography -- and about my own husband’s pornography addiction and recovery. With people that I run into at the grocery store. It’s pretty vulnerable.
So, why do I want to do this? Because I believe pornography is one of the plagues of the last day. I believe Satan has ingeniously counterfeited and mocked what is most sacred, and he’s using it to destroy families and souls. I cannot stay silent on something that is hurting so many of my brothers and sisters -- and is profoundly shaping the world my children are growing up in.
Addiction is fueled by two main things: Secrecy and shame. When we ignore this topic, when we only speak of it in hushed tones, when we tip toe around it, when we seem too disgusted by it to talk about it, when we ignore the elephant in the room . . . we are doing Satan’s job for him. We are fueling the secrecy and shame. We must bring this topic into the light -- Christ says, “he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”
I also want to talk about the atonement -- because this trial contains the story of how I’ve truly come to know my Savior as never before. I have been taught humility and trust in Him and more compassion for others. And because Christ has shown my husband and I nothing but love and compassion and a way back to our Heavenly Father, I would like to play some small part in helping others find same.
So, that’s why I’m here. Why are you here (besides the gentle urging of our Stake leaders?) Well, here’s what I’m hoping. I have a friend who was musing about some of her concerns in raising her teenage sons, and I opened up and shared with her our experience. She sent me this email last week: “Before hearing you share your story, I would have reacted completely different to the idea of someone having a porn addiction. My attitude was that the person just needed more self-control. I don't see it that way any longer. I know your husband -- he is one of the best men I’ve ever met. Knowing that he, as well as a dear sweet nephew of mine and now others, have struggled with this, has completely changed my mind. My heart aches for them now. Whereas before I admit I would have been a little disgusted, and probably very uncomfortable knowing these "dark little secrets" about someone. I see it more how I'm sure the Savior would like me to see it. Thank you for sharing -- I needed your story and your testimony to be the mother I need to be to my sons.” That is why I share.
When my husband and I got married, almost 10 years ago, I didn’t know about his lifelong struggle with pornography. Like so many of our youth, he got roped in quite young -- younger than we like to admit it’s possible. He ‘cleaned up’ and served an honorable two year mission, then like nearly all LDS men and women who struggle with this thought, “Whew, glad I got that taken care of on my mission.” And, inevitably, back in school and up to a computer, he fell back in.
Then he met me, and fell madly in love, and like nearly all LDS men and women who struggle with this thought, “Well, once I get married, that’ll take care of that.” And, inevitably, he fell back into it. We were married less than a year when I first found out he’d been looking at porn. I was surprised, we were so happy. Why would this be happening? There was heartfelt apologies and promises and repentance. And we moved on.
And then it happened again.
And again.
And again.
It took years for us to understand what the addiction was serving -- the way the chemicals that the body created helped my husband maintain his status quo. It numbed feelings of disappointment, resentment, and loneliness through the years. In a twisted way, it was serving him quite well. For years the numbness addiction causes helped him be who he THOUGHT he was supposed to be. He tried to pray away this weakness, tried to fast often enough, tried to do all the right things. He wanted God to take his sins and weaknesses. I wanted God to wave some kind of magical wand and just make everything in my marriage and with my husband all right.
And this is where we came to know our Savior in a completely different way. A few years back, my husband hit what most addicts will refer to as their ‘rock bottom’. He describes it not as if he had hit an actual bottom but that he just woke up one day and realized that he did not want to keep digging. This is when we entered the world known as ‘recovery’ and came to our Savior. Yes, in the temple and in prayers and in fasting, but also in 12 step meetings full of people sharing their stories, in group therapy, in study and journaling, in support groups, in reaching outside ourselves. Comforting those who stand in need of comfort, mourning with those who mourn.
I have seen my husband change. He has always been one of the kindest and best men I’ve ever known. But he understands his own worth on a new level now. He knows his Heavenly Father, he trusts Him and depends on Him in new ways. Without the atonement, we would be so lost, but with it we have everything we need. Getting to know addicts, of all kinds, of both genders, has blessed my life in amazing ways. We all fall short of God, every one of us needing the atonement, but sometimes I think we think that if we’re just GOOD enough, do everything we’re ‘supposed to do’, God will come in and fill in that last bit and we’ll be saved. I am finding that it is those who can throw themselves at their Savior’s feet and humbly say, “Without you, I have nothing . . . I am yours . . . what work would you have be do,” are those who are seeing the atonement work miracles in their lives.
I’m afraid that in our culture, we are too concerned with looking like we have it altogether, well on our way to perfection . . . not wanting anyone to see our flaws -- and definitely not our ‘deep dark secrets’ -- but this life is NOT supposed to be without weakness, sin and struggle -- quite the opposite, we are SUPPOSED to have those things because those are the things that humble us and make us seek after God. There are people in this room who feel like their lives or the lives of their loved ones are being silently stolen by pornography -- and yet for fear of looking flawed, because it’s uncomfortable, everyone keeps so quiet on this topic.
Addiction loves secrecy and shame -- it loves to be well hidden and not talked about. But the truth of the matter is, that studies show 50-70% of men struggle with compulsive sexual acting out (that includes any sexual behaviors they feel they have lost control over -- pornography use, sexting, phone chatting, masturbating, or affairs), AND sisters, these same studies show 20-35% of WOMEN are struggling with the same thing. This does not just affect our husbands, brothers and sons -- it affects our daughters, sisters and ourselves. You might be thinking, “Well, those numbers don’t apply to us! Not good, upstanding families.”
You may not see it, you may not even be able to imagine it affecting your lives -- but I assure you, someone you know and love is dealing with this. Every family is touched by this. Those struggling are our husbands, neighbors, friends, sons, daughters, grandparents, siblings. In my last Ward, our Bishop reported that the numbers he’d been given were that 50% of active Priesthood holders were struggling with pornography, and 1 in 3 bishopric members. We need to stop assuming we can tell who could or could not be affected by this and become educated about it. Everyone I’ve opened up to about my husband’s addiction has exclaimed, “I would have never guessed! He’s the last person I would’ve thought would be dealing with this!” Exactly.
We need to openly talk about it, because the rising generation, on average, is exposed to pornography at NINE years old. Most often in their own home, either on accident, or because they are fairly innocently just trying to google and make sense of a word or phrase they’ve heard out in the world. In 2003, ten years ago, the Church News reported that 100% of teenage boys were coming out of High School having seen pornography -- and the research tells us the numbers for girls isn’t that different.
SO what can we do about this as members of the Church?
Addiction loves denial -- we have to stop pretending this ‘couldn’t affect my kids’ or that ‘there was a problem once, but that’s all in the past’. The conversations we need to be having with our children and our spouses don’t include, “Have you ever looked at porn?” but, “When was the last time you came across porn? What did you do about it?” This is not a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’. The society we live in is saturated. If we all just pretend it isn’t, or that our overly sexualized society we live in doesn’t have an impact our families, then we are practically doing addiction’s job! Minimizing and secrecy are the lifeblood of addiction. Keeping quiet on the topic is exactly what Satan is hoping we will do.
Which brings us to talking openly. I know there can be a fear about ‘if we talk about pornography, it might make the kids more curious.’ Children who live in homes where pornography and human sexuality are talked about openly and without shame, with parents who teach truths about the nature of the body and sexual intimacy as a gift from God, are less likely to get sucked into the snare and lies of pornography.
I’m not saying they’ll avoid it completely -- but it won’t have the same affect on them. If we teach our children they can come to us with questions, if we talk about sexuality and intimacy as beautiful and God given gifts, then we are building an understanding in them that will work against the counterfeit messages of porn.
On the flipside, if we teach our children “there are some things we don’t talk about”, then we cannot be surprised when they won’t come talk to us.
In talking with our children, I have heard the messages to children that they shouldn’t look at porn because they are too young for sex -- or they need to wait ‘til marriage to understand more about sex. Let me be clear -- pornography is not sex. Do not teach your children they are in any way related -- teach them they are opposites. Pornography is an ugly lie about sex. Pornography is Satan’s sex education. We can’t just tell them, “Don’t look at it . . . no, no, no, no.” Because they will come across it, and that tells them nothing besides ‘it’s bad.’
We need to teach them, arm them, with truth about the lies Satan is telling -- that this thing has been created to mock and minimize God’s great plan for the human body -- that this is not how women and men should treat each other. We need to teach them what objectification is and why it is wrong. That pornography shows selfishishness and concern only for our own gratification. It is divisive and uses people up, instead of being unifying and intimate. It is a false representation of the what women look like, act like and how they want to be treated.
And they need to know that pornography is perfectly designed to get their attention and create curiosity and arousal -- they are bad not for feeling that way, their natural and beautiful instincts and body are being manipulated and taken advantage of.
Then when they come across it, because they will, they will be armed with the truth to recognize and counteract the lie they are seeing.
The stuff our children will find online will teach them nothing about sex -- the pornography flooding the internet now is among the most vile, misoganistic, crass and even violent porn than has ever existed in such huge amounts. It is different today. My husband, who was stuck in an ugly addiction cycle for over 20 years, began his addiction with friends’ magazines and some R-rated movie scenes -- and in fact never even saw pornography on the internet until he was home from a mission and in his 20s. Kids these days are finding some of the hardest core porn that has ever existed, at shockingly young ages.
Many European countries are having huge nationwide conversations about pornography and its affects on society -- and yet we whisper around it or ignore it or use code words like the ‘dangers of smart phones’ in Sunday School lessons. God needs us to be more bold, and better educated.
Next, we need to understand that there is a very big different between repentance from sin and recovery from addiction. I think this is where so many people get stuck. My husband repented many times -- heartfelt real repentance. And yet time and time again, he found himself back in the same hole. Do you know how that feels? Do you know what it starts to do to your testimony or self worth when you are praying and fasting and repenting and forsaking and yet you end up in the same place again and again. You start to think “maybe I’m not good enough”, “maybe the atonement doesn’t work for me”. It feeds the addiction with the messages of ‘you’re not worthy’.
So, how does one really repent again and again and not get any better? This is where recovery comes in -- recovery is different. This is from an email I wrote to a dear Bishop of ours, “This trial, the uphill battle of my husband's sobriety has been one of the great blessings in both of our lives. For years we had Bishops encourage more prayer, more fasting, more faith, so God could take away the trial. We had faith, we had prayer, and we fasted -- and my husband wanted to have God take away the trial, the temptation. But nothing changed. Because he hadn't been ready to do whatever it took to GIVE away the sin. To do the backbreaking work of rewiring his brain, his life, uncovering what this addiction was hiding -- what he was medicating, his beliefs about himself and others that were painful or ugly. It has been the long path -- the hours and hours in group therapy, talking with others in 12 step meetings, the studying and reading and journaling -- God has used these things to work miracles that have truly changed his life, working all things for his good and changing his heart. It is just as much a miracle in my eyes as if my husband had woken up one day with this sin removed, his heart made clean and had no desire to sin again -- but in fighting for it, he has had the opportunity to learn about himself, about his relationships with his earthly parents and his Heavenly Parents. He has learned SO much compassion, love and trust of others. He's released years of shame and isolation and lack of self-worth and has been healed by Christ as he has opened up and reached out and learned to comfort those who stand in need of comfort and mourn with those who mourn. I believe God can miraculously heal us without therapy and 12 step groups and all that, obviously -- but I believe He also has them here for our good. And I believe that without reaching out and making connections for support or as support for others, that we are missing part of the equation of healing, of an opportunity to learn Christlike love, of mourning and comforting as commanded.”
Someone who has been stuck in the same ugly cycle of addiction, needs to understand that they need not only repentance, which is of utmost importance, but also recovery. And that comes from reaching out and finding resources through prayer and through others who have been there. And an understanding that prayer and scripture study, while vital, are very private, secluded activities -- telling someone struggling with this that they can take care of this ‘on their own’, in the privacy of their own home, without ever having to talk to another person besides the Bishop is exactly what the addiction wants to hear.
Addiction thrives on isolation. Because of the shame and humiliation associated with the problem and the desire to keep it a secret, the suggestion to fast and pray in private comes as a welcome relief that rarely brings with it lasting change. Addiction is a diagnosable disease once it progresses to a certain point -- it is not something you make a New Years resolution about and get over it -- it is something you take seriously and you treat. We would not tell someone with diabetes to fast and pray and have enough faith -- we would get them the help they need. This spiritual malady is also a physical addiction to the chemicals in the brain, and we need to seek actual treatment and not shame people into thinking they just need to have more faith.
We need to understand that years of pornography use has literally rewired the brain -- and the only way to undo that is to REWIRE the brain again. God has created our brains to be these amazing moldable things, but when we misuse them (like by feeding them a steady stream of chemicals that are released when viewing porn), we need to put in the work and learn new behaviors that will let the brain heal and build new pathways. That comes through new healthier patterns, which support groups and therapy and journaling are great for helping develop and maintain. I cannot emphasize this enough -- these things rarely happen in seclusion.
There’s a phrase in recovery: white knuckling. This is the act of just shoving the addiction into a closet and fighting to keep it in there -- often, when men and women ‘give up porn’, this is what they’re are doing -- shoving it back into a closet and ignoring or fighting it back. I know many, many men and women in recovery now who went through years of cycling in and out of their addiction before they recognized it for what it was -- sometimes going years between cycles of acting out. They believed the problem iswasgone, even though it was pacing like a hungry lion, just waiting to get out again. I humbly submit that this is what many of our men and women do about their ‘porn problem’. True recovery comes with a lot of work, but the payoff is huge -- a rewired, healthy brain. New patterns and new behaviors free of addiction or white knuckling. The benefit is huge -- it is worth the work.
Next, we need to realize that wives of addicts need someone to talk to -- many wives are screaming on the inside. They are confused, they are hurt. They need light and hope and someone to help them along with their own recovery from the betrayal that comes with the lies and covering up and lusting after others. The latest research on this is showing women married to someone with a sexual addiction are showing signs of deep trauma, even PTSD. Symptoms like depression, fatigue, anxiety, not being able to sleep, sleeping too much, putting on weight, losing weight, extreme obsession with their bodies -- these things are killing women. And it’s happening in HUGE numbers -- look at the statistics of 50-70% of the men dealing with this, then just think how many wives there are. Many of their wives may not know about it, but they often still feel like something is off in their marriage -- or like me for so many years, didn’t get the severity of it. But, there are women in your Relief Society, on your Visiting Teaching Route, on your street, who are scared about the future of their families, and who cry themselves to sleep more nights that they’d ever want to admit.
Light and knowledge amount to a death sentence for addiction. Addicts therefore do everything they can to keep their spouses or their parents in the dark about their issues. Sisters, we need to be aware of this -- what does it look like when someone in your home is hiding this? How do we recognize a problem? Because it will affect far more homes than not. Do you have devices in your home you don’t know the password to? Do you have screens shut off or get closed when you walk in a room? Do people in your home spend long periods in the bathroom or other isolated places with devices? Have you found pornography on your computer -- and if it’s happened more than once, do you know that it so often just the tip of the iceberg? Do you know how easy it is to get around filters for someone determined?
We must protect our homes -- 80% of children’s first exposure to porn are happening in their own home. We are lionnesses at the gate -- we need to be aware and proactive and not live in fear or denial of either the world around us, or of what might be happening in our own homes. We must live close to the Spirit, so that we can be guided when confusion or uncertainty hit.
Lastly, we must recognize that there is hope for recovery from sexual addiction. I testify to you that while recovery did not look like what I thought it would -- I think was expecting an Alma the Younger kinda ‘strike him down and he’ll change his ways’ kinda thing - but that recovery is real. And I know this is true because the atonement of Jesus Christ is real.
Our Savior knows exactly the nature of this battle we are waged in. We must rise up and come to Him. We must turn our hearts and homes over to Him and let Him heal and strengthen us. We cannot stay ignorant on this topic -- it is one of the great plagues of the last days. And we are called to the frontlines of this battle. Christ himself tells us that He is the light of the world, and all that follow him shall not walk in darkness. Pornography thrives on darkness, secrecy, isolation, minimization -- we bring these things to the light, and they cannot survive. Satan has very cunningly chosen this great battle by taking something that God finds most sacred and making a sick mockery of it, a cheap and crass substitute for what is most beautiful.
We need to understand Satan’s battle plan against us -- against our marriages, against our families, against our bodies and against ourselves -- let Christ bring us into the light. Let His Spirit guide our prayer and our study and our conversations with our children and our spouses and with one another. We don’t have to do this alone.
I challenge you, starting with the resources on this website, to take the time and begin your study, so that you are not in the dark. I challenge you to go home and pass those resources onto others -- send them to your extended families, your friends, your old college roommates, your book club. This is one of the great plagues of the last days -- this is one of ours and our children’s great battles. And none of us should go into in unprepared.
This struggle -- this heartwrenching trial -- is where my testimony has bloomed -- in this struggle, in my heartache, I have come to know my Savior in a whole new way. I testify that we all have weaknesses -- and that they are designed to drive us to our knees, to our God, and to one another. I testify that the atonement is real and miraculous, and it is for each and every one of us each and every day. This trial, and my associations with literally hundreds of people whose lives have been affected by pornography addiction, have taught me that there is always a way back to Christ, and the some of best men and women I know are the ones who’ve overcome the most, because they depended on Him completely. I know He provides a way for all of us to make it back to our Heavenly Father.
So, that’s why I’m here. Why are you here (besides the gentle urging of our Stake leaders?) Well, here’s what I’m hoping. I have a friend who was musing about some of her concerns in raising her teenage sons, and I opened up and shared with her our experience. She sent me this email last week: “Before hearing you share your story, I would have reacted completely different to the idea of someone having a porn addiction. My attitude was that the person just needed more self-control. I don't see it that way any longer. I know your husband -- he is one of the best men I’ve ever met. Knowing that he, as well as a dear sweet nephew of mine and now others, have struggled with this, has completely changed my mind. My heart aches for them now. Whereas before I admit I would have been a little disgusted, and probably very uncomfortable knowing these "dark little secrets" about someone. I see it more how I'm sure the Savior would like me to see it. Thank you for sharing -- I needed your story and your testimony to be the mother I need to be to my sons.” That is why I share.
When my husband and I got married, almost 10 years ago, I didn’t know about his lifelong struggle with pornography. Like so many of our youth, he got roped in quite young -- younger than we like to admit it’s possible. He ‘cleaned up’ and served an honorable two year mission, then like nearly all LDS men and women who struggle with this thought, “Whew, glad I got that taken care of on my mission.” And, inevitably, back in school and up to a computer, he fell back in.
Then he met me, and fell madly in love, and like nearly all LDS men and women who struggle with this thought, “Well, once I get married, that’ll take care of that.” And, inevitably, he fell back into it. We were married less than a year when I first found out he’d been looking at porn. I was surprised, we were so happy. Why would this be happening? There was heartfelt apologies and promises and repentance. And we moved on.
And then it happened again.
And again.
And again.
It took years for us to understand what the addiction was serving -- the way the chemicals that the body created helped my husband maintain his status quo. It numbed feelings of disappointment, resentment, and loneliness through the years. In a twisted way, it was serving him quite well. For years the numbness addiction causes helped him be who he THOUGHT he was supposed to be. He tried to pray away this weakness, tried to fast often enough, tried to do all the right things. He wanted God to take his sins and weaknesses. I wanted God to wave some kind of magical wand and just make everything in my marriage and with my husband all right.
And this is where we came to know our Savior in a completely different way. A few years back, my husband hit what most addicts will refer to as their ‘rock bottom’. He describes it not as if he had hit an actual bottom but that he just woke up one day and realized that he did not want to keep digging. This is when we entered the world known as ‘recovery’ and came to our Savior. Yes, in the temple and in prayers and in fasting, but also in 12 step meetings full of people sharing their stories, in group therapy, in study and journaling, in support groups, in reaching outside ourselves. Comforting those who stand in need of comfort, mourning with those who mourn.
I have seen my husband change. He has always been one of the kindest and best men I’ve ever known. But he understands his own worth on a new level now. He knows his Heavenly Father, he trusts Him and depends on Him in new ways. Without the atonement, we would be so lost, but with it we have everything we need. Getting to know addicts, of all kinds, of both genders, has blessed my life in amazing ways. We all fall short of God, every one of us needing the atonement, but sometimes I think we think that if we’re just GOOD enough, do everything we’re ‘supposed to do’, God will come in and fill in that last bit and we’ll be saved. I am finding that it is those who can throw themselves at their Savior’s feet and humbly say, “Without you, I have nothing . . . I am yours . . . what work would you have be do,” are those who are seeing the atonement work miracles in their lives.
I’m afraid that in our culture, we are too concerned with looking like we have it altogether, well on our way to perfection . . . not wanting anyone to see our flaws -- and definitely not our ‘deep dark secrets’ -- but this life is NOT supposed to be without weakness, sin and struggle -- quite the opposite, we are SUPPOSED to have those things because those are the things that humble us and make us seek after God. There are people in this room who feel like their lives or the lives of their loved ones are being silently stolen by pornography -- and yet for fear of looking flawed, because it’s uncomfortable, everyone keeps so quiet on this topic.
Addiction loves secrecy and shame -- it loves to be well hidden and not talked about. But the truth of the matter is, that studies show 50-70% of men struggle with compulsive sexual acting out (that includes any sexual behaviors they feel they have lost control over -- pornography use, sexting, phone chatting, masturbating, or affairs), AND sisters, these same studies show 20-35% of WOMEN are struggling with the same thing. This does not just affect our husbands, brothers and sons -- it affects our daughters, sisters and ourselves. You might be thinking, “Well, those numbers don’t apply to us! Not good, upstanding families.”
You may not see it, you may not even be able to imagine it affecting your lives -- but I assure you, someone you know and love is dealing with this. Every family is touched by this. Those struggling are our husbands, neighbors, friends, sons, daughters, grandparents, siblings. In my last Ward, our Bishop reported that the numbers he’d been given were that 50% of active Priesthood holders were struggling with pornography, and 1 in 3 bishopric members. We need to stop assuming we can tell who could or could not be affected by this and become educated about it. Everyone I’ve opened up to about my husband’s addiction has exclaimed, “I would have never guessed! He’s the last person I would’ve thought would be dealing with this!” Exactly.
We need to openly talk about it, because the rising generation, on average, is exposed to pornography at NINE years old. Most often in their own home, either on accident, or because they are fairly innocently just trying to google and make sense of a word or phrase they’ve heard out in the world. In 2003, ten years ago, the Church News reported that 100% of teenage boys were coming out of High School having seen pornography -- and the research tells us the numbers for girls isn’t that different.
SO what can we do about this as members of the Church?
Addiction loves denial -- we have to stop pretending this ‘couldn’t affect my kids’ or that ‘there was a problem once, but that’s all in the past’. The conversations we need to be having with our children and our spouses don’t include, “Have you ever looked at porn?” but, “When was the last time you came across porn? What did you do about it?” This is not a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’. The society we live in is saturated. If we all just pretend it isn’t, or that our overly sexualized society we live in doesn’t have an impact our families, then we are practically doing addiction’s job! Minimizing and secrecy are the lifeblood of addiction. Keeping quiet on the topic is exactly what Satan is hoping we will do.
Which brings us to talking openly. I know there can be a fear about ‘if we talk about pornography, it might make the kids more curious.’ Children who live in homes where pornography and human sexuality are talked about openly and without shame, with parents who teach truths about the nature of the body and sexual intimacy as a gift from God, are less likely to get sucked into the snare and lies of pornography.
I’m not saying they’ll avoid it completely -- but it won’t have the same affect on them. If we teach our children they can come to us with questions, if we talk about sexuality and intimacy as beautiful and God given gifts, then we are building an understanding in them that will work against the counterfeit messages of porn.
On the flipside, if we teach our children “there are some things we don’t talk about”, then we cannot be surprised when they won’t come talk to us.
In talking with our children, I have heard the messages to children that they shouldn’t look at porn because they are too young for sex -- or they need to wait ‘til marriage to understand more about sex. Let me be clear -- pornography is not sex. Do not teach your children they are in any way related -- teach them they are opposites. Pornography is an ugly lie about sex. Pornography is Satan’s sex education. We can’t just tell them, “Don’t look at it . . . no, no, no, no.” Because they will come across it, and that tells them nothing besides ‘it’s bad.’
We need to teach them, arm them, with truth about the lies Satan is telling -- that this thing has been created to mock and minimize God’s great plan for the human body -- that this is not how women and men should treat each other. We need to teach them what objectification is and why it is wrong. That pornography shows selfishishness and concern only for our own gratification. It is divisive and uses people up, instead of being unifying and intimate. It is a false representation of the what women look like, act like and how they want to be treated.
And they need to know that pornography is perfectly designed to get their attention and create curiosity and arousal -- they are bad not for feeling that way, their natural and beautiful instincts and body are being manipulated and taken advantage of.
Then when they come across it, because they will, they will be armed with the truth to recognize and counteract the lie they are seeing.
The stuff our children will find online will teach them nothing about sex -- the pornography flooding the internet now is among the most vile, misoganistic, crass and even violent porn than has ever existed in such huge amounts. It is different today. My husband, who was stuck in an ugly addiction cycle for over 20 years, began his addiction with friends’ magazines and some R-rated movie scenes -- and in fact never even saw pornography on the internet until he was home from a mission and in his 20s. Kids these days are finding some of the hardest core porn that has ever existed, at shockingly young ages.
Many European countries are having huge nationwide conversations about pornography and its affects on society -- and yet we whisper around it or ignore it or use code words like the ‘dangers of smart phones’ in Sunday School lessons. God needs us to be more bold, and better educated.
Next, we need to understand that there is a very big different between repentance from sin and recovery from addiction. I think this is where so many people get stuck. My husband repented many times -- heartfelt real repentance. And yet time and time again, he found himself back in the same hole. Do you know how that feels? Do you know what it starts to do to your testimony or self worth when you are praying and fasting and repenting and forsaking and yet you end up in the same place again and again. You start to think “maybe I’m not good enough”, “maybe the atonement doesn’t work for me”. It feeds the addiction with the messages of ‘you’re not worthy’.
So, how does one really repent again and again and not get any better? This is where recovery comes in -- recovery is different. This is from an email I wrote to a dear Bishop of ours, “This trial, the uphill battle of my husband's sobriety has been one of the great blessings in both of our lives. For years we had Bishops encourage more prayer, more fasting, more faith, so God could take away the trial. We had faith, we had prayer, and we fasted -- and my husband wanted to have God take away the trial, the temptation. But nothing changed. Because he hadn't been ready to do whatever it took to GIVE away the sin. To do the backbreaking work of rewiring his brain, his life, uncovering what this addiction was hiding -- what he was medicating, his beliefs about himself and others that were painful or ugly. It has been the long path -- the hours and hours in group therapy, talking with others in 12 step meetings, the studying and reading and journaling -- God has used these things to work miracles that have truly changed his life, working all things for his good and changing his heart. It is just as much a miracle in my eyes as if my husband had woken up one day with this sin removed, his heart made clean and had no desire to sin again -- but in fighting for it, he has had the opportunity to learn about himself, about his relationships with his earthly parents and his Heavenly Parents. He has learned SO much compassion, love and trust of others. He's released years of shame and isolation and lack of self-worth and has been healed by Christ as he has opened up and reached out and learned to comfort those who stand in need of comfort and mourn with those who mourn. I believe God can miraculously heal us without therapy and 12 step groups and all that, obviously -- but I believe He also has them here for our good. And I believe that without reaching out and making connections for support or as support for others, that we are missing part of the equation of healing, of an opportunity to learn Christlike love, of mourning and comforting as commanded.”
Someone who has been stuck in the same ugly cycle of addiction, needs to understand that they need not only repentance, which is of utmost importance, but also recovery. And that comes from reaching out and finding resources through prayer and through others who have been there. And an understanding that prayer and scripture study, while vital, are very private, secluded activities -- telling someone struggling with this that they can take care of this ‘on their own’, in the privacy of their own home, without ever having to talk to another person besides the Bishop is exactly what the addiction wants to hear.
Addiction thrives on isolation. Because of the shame and humiliation associated with the problem and the desire to keep it a secret, the suggestion to fast and pray in private comes as a welcome relief that rarely brings with it lasting change. Addiction is a diagnosable disease once it progresses to a certain point -- it is not something you make a New Years resolution about and get over it -- it is something you take seriously and you treat. We would not tell someone with diabetes to fast and pray and have enough faith -- we would get them the help they need. This spiritual malady is also a physical addiction to the chemicals in the brain, and we need to seek actual treatment and not shame people into thinking they just need to have more faith.
We need to understand that years of pornography use has literally rewired the brain -- and the only way to undo that is to REWIRE the brain again. God has created our brains to be these amazing moldable things, but when we misuse them (like by feeding them a steady stream of chemicals that are released when viewing porn), we need to put in the work and learn new behaviors that will let the brain heal and build new pathways. That comes through new healthier patterns, which support groups and therapy and journaling are great for helping develop and maintain. I cannot emphasize this enough -- these things rarely happen in seclusion.
There’s a phrase in recovery: white knuckling. This is the act of just shoving the addiction into a closet and fighting to keep it in there -- often, when men and women ‘give up porn’, this is what they’re are doing -- shoving it back into a closet and ignoring or fighting it back. I know many, many men and women in recovery now who went through years of cycling in and out of their addiction before they recognized it for what it was -- sometimes going years between cycles of acting out. They believed the problem iswasgone, even though it was pacing like a hungry lion, just waiting to get out again. I humbly submit that this is what many of our men and women do about their ‘porn problem’. True recovery comes with a lot of work, but the payoff is huge -- a rewired, healthy brain. New patterns and new behaviors free of addiction or white knuckling. The benefit is huge -- it is worth the work.
Next, we need to realize that wives of addicts need someone to talk to -- many wives are screaming on the inside. They are confused, they are hurt. They need light and hope and someone to help them along with their own recovery from the betrayal that comes with the lies and covering up and lusting after others. The latest research on this is showing women married to someone with a sexual addiction are showing signs of deep trauma, even PTSD. Symptoms like depression, fatigue, anxiety, not being able to sleep, sleeping too much, putting on weight, losing weight, extreme obsession with their bodies -- these things are killing women. And it’s happening in HUGE numbers -- look at the statistics of 50-70% of the men dealing with this, then just think how many wives there are. Many of their wives may not know about it, but they often still feel like something is off in their marriage -- or like me for so many years, didn’t get the severity of it. But, there are women in your Relief Society, on your Visiting Teaching Route, on your street, who are scared about the future of their families, and who cry themselves to sleep more nights that they’d ever want to admit.
Light and knowledge amount to a death sentence for addiction. Addicts therefore do everything they can to keep their spouses or their parents in the dark about their issues. Sisters, we need to be aware of this -- what does it look like when someone in your home is hiding this? How do we recognize a problem? Because it will affect far more homes than not. Do you have devices in your home you don’t know the password to? Do you have screens shut off or get closed when you walk in a room? Do people in your home spend long periods in the bathroom or other isolated places with devices? Have you found pornography on your computer -- and if it’s happened more than once, do you know that it so often just the tip of the iceberg? Do you know how easy it is to get around filters for someone determined?
We must protect our homes -- 80% of children’s first exposure to porn are happening in their own home. We are lionnesses at the gate -- we need to be aware and proactive and not live in fear or denial of either the world around us, or of what might be happening in our own homes. We must live close to the Spirit, so that we can be guided when confusion or uncertainty hit.
Lastly, we must recognize that there is hope for recovery from sexual addiction. I testify to you that while recovery did not look like what I thought it would -- I think was expecting an Alma the Younger kinda ‘strike him down and he’ll change his ways’ kinda thing - but that recovery is real. And I know this is true because the atonement of Jesus Christ is real.
Our Savior knows exactly the nature of this battle we are waged in. We must rise up and come to Him. We must turn our hearts and homes over to Him and let Him heal and strengthen us. We cannot stay ignorant on this topic -- it is one of the great plagues of the last days. And we are called to the frontlines of this battle. Christ himself tells us that He is the light of the world, and all that follow him shall not walk in darkness. Pornography thrives on darkness, secrecy, isolation, minimization -- we bring these things to the light, and they cannot survive. Satan has very cunningly chosen this great battle by taking something that God finds most sacred and making a sick mockery of it, a cheap and crass substitute for what is most beautiful.
We need to understand Satan’s battle plan against us -- against our marriages, against our families, against our bodies and against ourselves -- let Christ bring us into the light. Let His Spirit guide our prayer and our study and our conversations with our children and our spouses and with one another. We don’t have to do this alone.
I challenge you, starting with the resources on this website, to take the time and begin your study, so that you are not in the dark. I challenge you to go home and pass those resources onto others -- send them to your extended families, your friends, your old college roommates, your book club. This is one of the great plagues of the last days -- this is one of ours and our children’s great battles. And none of us should go into in unprepared.
This struggle -- this heartwrenching trial -- is where my testimony has bloomed -- in this struggle, in my heartache, I have come to know my Savior in a whole new way. I testify that we all have weaknesses -- and that they are designed to drive us to our knees, to our God, and to one another. I testify that the atonement is real and miraculous, and it is for each and every one of us each and every day. This trial, and my associations with literally hundreds of people whose lives have been affected by pornography addiction, have taught me that there is always a way back to Christ, and the some of best men and women I know are the ones who’ve overcome the most, because they depended on Him completely. I know He provides a way for all of us to make it back to our Heavenly Father.
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