WOPA Letter 25 - My Story

My story starts when I was 15 years old. 

I was part of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, but I was inactive and I could not really tell you anything about Jesus Christ. That being said, I met a guy who I thought I loved and I thought he loved me back, with whom I broke the law of chastity with a few times. 

I didn't know better and my parents were not the best role morals and he was not a member of my Church. Well my parents found out and Hell came into my life. My mom called me every name in the book on how horrible I was and dad told me he would rather have me dead then me unclean. They forced me to talk to my Bishop, which I did not want to do. But I did and that was the changing point of my life. I returned to church and did all I could to be the best that I could. Fast forward to when I turned 18. I moved out and stated attending college and I was doing great. I wanted to serve a mission and serve the Lord as much as I could. Marriage was not really in my plan,s for my past still haunted me and I thought no one would ever marry someone like me. 

Well, I met my husband -- I told him about my past and he still loved me for me. And what makes my story different than some, is that my husband told me when we were dating that he had a porn addiction. He was sent home from his mission because he was struggling a lot. But he was released honorably. I didn't understand how bad this was and I thought 'hey, he can over come it'. Once we get married it will all go away. Even a bishop told us that. It was a struggle for him to make it to the temple; slip ups kept happing and I kept telling myself we can make it. We finally made it and were sealed July 3, 2012. Three months went by and he was doing great. I thought it was gone until one morning he slipped. My world came crashing down. I thought this was punishment for my past. I cried all day. I didn't know what to do. My life was changed. My self esteem shattered and my worth gone. I felt ugly and betrayed. I thought the moments we shared were just a tool to get sex from me. I was hurt. We talked to the bishop and it made me cry all over again. He asked my husband what he saw for how long hard or soft porn. These were terms I had never heard before. My eyes were opened to this thing called porn that ruins peoples lives. Now I am 21 and we are still married. We will have been married for 2 and a half years this January and it is a battle. We have a 1 year old little girl with another due in February. I hate when I'm pregnant because I feel so ugly. Stretch marks and a big belly. I love my husband and I do know he loves me but this is a struggle he faces everyday. 

Sometimes he lies to me saying he is doing great but I always find out and those are the times that hurt the most. Sometimes he is honest with me which makes the battle worth fighting. Somedays I really do wonder if this fight is worth fighting or if I should lay down my wagons and leave. 

I am finally getting my self worth back but still forget who I am. I wish I knew what I know now back then to help me understand the fight I would be facing. I still have hope that one day this will not be part of our lives and we can live a life without this addiction. That we can enjoy a better marriage that is filled with trust and safety.