It was a 7:00 a.m. Physical Science 101 class where I first saw my husband. For me, it was love at first sight. We dated for 2 years and then married in the LDS temple. That was 30 years ago.
It didn't take long for me to feel that something was off though and that there was a disconnect. Right after my first baby was born I found some hard evidence of what the problem was.This was the first time that we started the cycle of me discovering evidence, and then both of us doing therapy until he says he is healed at which point I jump back in with both feet . . . until I discover evidence again . . . He has never confessed on his own. We are taught to forgive 70 X's 7 and put 150% into our marriages and that ALL marriages are hard so I thought that all that I was going through was normal . . . and that I could do hard things.
Going through this cycle was hard but as the years went on it got harder . . . whenever there was a discovery, all the memories of the past discoveries, lies and pain would resurface and heap on my heart. I finally hit my pain threshold one day in October 2013 after more secrets, lies and pain. I asked my husband to move out and I took back my heart. I now hold my own heart and guard it with both hands close to my chest. If my heart is hurt by my favorite person one more time, I am afraid it will stop beating. Some may wonder why I have stayed so long or why I still have some hope. My answer is that I love my husband. I still feel like we were meant to be together . . .
After 6 months of separation, lots of therapy, Life Star, setting up boundaries and lots of good communication, I asked him to move back.
I try to use my damaged heart to FEEL how his recovery is going. My eyes and my ears have deceived me in the past so I have to depend on my heart. My heart says that things are going well. It has been a hard journey but the sweet is amazing right now.
This is my story. My experiences are all part of me now and have transformed me into someone who I'm really impressed with. I'm a strong woman, willing to change, learn, forgive, stand up for myself and laugh. Right now I feel very happy.
Love, Daisy K
http://theroseandthedaisy.blogspot.com/
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