WOPA Letter 24 - My Story

Our story begins just a few short months after I returned from an LDS mission. I was introduced to my now husband (also a returned missionary) and we began to date. We made each other laugh, had the same values and goals and a deep love of the Gospel.

We made our way through 10 year of marriage. Filled with lots of good times and 4 beautiful kids. He worked hard to support us and I stayed home to be a Mom. We both held many leadership positions, attended the temple and overall had it all. We were living our dream. We had so much to be grateful for.

But a late night on Easter Sunday changed all that. My sweet husband came to me with tears in his eyes telling me that he had an addiction to pornography. He said he had prayed away his addiction many times and quit time after time. He was powerless. It was ruining him, destroying him inside. He had confessed to his parents and a Bishop before his mission. He was told that it seemed he was sincere in his repentance and that he just needed to stop and move on. He tried. He tried over and over and over again. It was too shameful to open up to anyone about this. He assumed he was the only one with this problem. He lived with the belief that if anyone knew they wouldn’t love him, including me.

After disclosure day I was heartbroken. I couldn’t function. This couldn’t be my life. Not my husband. The man I loved and cherished. The emotions I experienced that week were all over the place. I experienced every single emotion you can imagine. I was in shock. I didn’t eat or get dressed for a week.

Fortunately we are blessed with an amazing Bishop. He understands addiction; he understands the pain the wives experience when their whole life is shattered. I felt so broken and alone, so alone. I would have given anything to have a sister show up, wrap me in her arms and tell me that she too has been through this before. Only a woman who has been through this can provide this type of understanding.

There have been arguments and feelings of hopelessness. There have been times I have been angry with priesthood leadership, angry at my husband and even angry at God. There were sacrament meetings where I sat and scanned the congregation and was angry every man present. How many young men are viewing pornography? What are they viewing? The thought would make me physically ill. It was hard to hear lessons on priesthood and keeping convents. Church was hard. I felt like a sham.

My whole world had changed. Nothing seemed real.

My husband and I jumped right in and started intense therapy and got educated. We are 18 months post disclosure day and it has turned out to be such a blessing in our marriage. We have become closer and are fighting this together. We are better parents to our now five children. We understand shame, emotions and healthy sexuality in a way we didn’t before. Our kids will grow up understanding all sorts of addiction. They will not be shamed about sexuality. We don’t shy away from hard questions. We are open and honest about things. We are a better couple because of the way we have both reacted. I am proud of my husband. He is fighting. He is fighting for himself and for our family.

There are so many of my sisters out there hurting and struggling. The pain and trauma is very real. They aren’t being validated. There are reminders everywhere (for me too) that our husbands were unfaithful to us. We were faithful, they weren’t or aren’t. The fight is real and hard. We need help, our husbands need help and we need each other. We need to be heard.