Oh how your heart will be broken. Oh how you will feel betrayed. You feel lied to, cheated on, and forgotten about. But you are not alone. You are not. There will be days when you feel so alone it hurts, it literally will make your body and heart hurt in ways you didn’t know possible. But you are not alone. Not only do you have a loving Heavenly Father and brother Jesus Christ who are there for you, there are many other women who have walked very similar paths. Reach out to others. Reach out to other women in your life and reach out to God in prayer.
You do not need to be silent any more. Speak truth and follow your heart. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do, say, or not say. You will need to join a support group. Your journey to healing will not begin until you join a group who can truly love you and accept you for who you are. As you talk to these women you will start to believe in yourself again. You will learn to listen to the good voices in your head and challenge the bad ones. There is good in this world, and you will begin to find it again. Lean on these other women when you feel you cannot make it on your own.
You will be betrayed. You will doubt your ability to trust between truth and lies. You will not trust easily. Take time to rebuild your trust in yourself, and then slowly work on it with others. Building trust is not a race. Go at a pace that is comfortable for you. If others try to push you faster than you want to go, instead of giving in, recognize that they are not a safe person to have with you on your journey to recovery.
You did not cause your husband’s addiction, and you cannot fight his battles. He has made his own choices that got him to where he is. No amount of trying to change yourself will fix him. You need your own recovery now, separate from his. You are enough just the way you are. I know you don’t fully believe that now, but that is truth. You do not need to be thinner, sexier, do more around the house, make more money, or anything else. You are worthy of love just the way you are. Your husband and Satan have lied to you in making you believe you are not enough. Please try to believe that you are. You are a beautiful, kind, hardworking, passionate, creative, honest, believing daughter of God. You are literally God’s daughter. God doesn’t make mistakes, and your life is not a mistake. Don’t ever settle for anyone who does not believe that you are enough, just the way you are.
Develop your talents. For too long you have believed that your value revolved around your ability to make money and support your family. You have been carrying a heavy burden that should not have been there. It shouldn’t be there. Let that go. You are doing an amazing job providing all you can for your kids, and that is good, but it is not your job, it never was. This is not the way God intended it to be. Right now it is necessary, but know that this is not where your worth comes from.
You are a good mom. You are thoughtful about how you are raising your kids. Doing it alone is hard! God wants families to have a father and mother working together and sharing the load. But God also wants there to be respect, love, and wholesome intimacy in a marriage. You tried very hard for a long time to make things work. You are a lover, not a hater. But in the end you have chosen to set an example for your children that love and respect are important, and that you choose to love yourself. And that is a good example to show your children. Loving yourself is an option, and you had to leave your marriage in order to do that. And that is ok. You have really good kids, and you are doing a good job with them. Don’t spend too much time beating yourself up over the little things. Focus on the things that matter most, and at the end of the day, just make sure your kids know they are loved just as they are, and that they are enough. Hug them as often as you can. The desires you have of an eternal family with a righteous companion are good. Don’t ever give up. But don’t sit around waiting for your miracle to come. Keep living, keep working on yourself to be the best you can be, and in God’s timing all good blessings can come.
Try to give service as much as you can. This is when you feel your best. When you give of yourself and serve others you will be happy and forget your troubles. There are lots of ways, big and small you can do this. So when you are feeling down, try to remember to reach out to others and share love. Create often. Make books, sew things, and cook food. When you are creating you are happy. Use your creative talents to bless the lives of others. In this you will find great joy and purpose.
Maxine, you will have your good days and your bad days. Learn to welcome all emotions as they come. Honor them, feel them, and then move on. Emotions are not weakness. You are prone to expressing emotions through the holes in your eyes. Crying is not weakness. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions is a strength. Welcome the tears and let them wash you clean. You have a tender heart, and others will take advantage of you. Don’t stop trusting and believing that there is good in people. Lean on your family and those who love you in times when others are unkind. But do your best to always reach out in love, never in revenge or unkindness.
Trauma makes you do crazy things. You are entering unchartered territory. Remember who you are, who you truly are. You will make mistakes. Life is messy. But as you make those mistakes be kind to yourself. Learn to forgive yourself, just as you forgive others. You can be your own worst critic. Be compassionate and kind to yourself, just as you would be to any other woman going through the same things. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Don’t hold yourself hostage with unkind and unforgiving thoughts about yourself. Self-care is not selfish, it is IMPORTANT! Practice self-care often! You don’t have someone taking care of you and looking out for you, so you need to look out for yourself. Don’t feel bad for spending a little money on yourself. Don’t feel bad for spending time in a bubble bath. Don’t feel bad for spending time with good friends. Do what you need to, whatever you need to, to make sure that you are practicing regular self-care. Go to the temple often. Read your scriptures daily, and look for personal messages in them.
God has not forgotten you. Fall to your knees daily and talk to your Heavenly Father. Tell Him your struggles, tell Him your thoughts, and thank Him for all he gives you. At times it will seem as though He does not care to answer your prayers. Be patient, He is answering them. He is smarter than you are, and has a wonderful plan of happiness. You are part of that plan, and as you practice enduring (I know how impatient you are) you will see better blessings in your life than you could have ever imagined.
All my love,
an older and wiser Maxine
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