Hi! "My story" begins about 30 years ago when I married my first husband. Long story very short is -- after 8 and a half years of marriage, my husband's continued negative behavior was un-acceptable, so we got divorced.
Mr. RightThree years later, I met a guy I knew as a teenager. It was very exciting. Then he disclosed to me that he had a problem with pornography. (I don't even like saying or typing that word. I call it "The P. Word", so that's what I will call it here.). I said, "O.K. I have no idea what that's all about, but O.K.".
I really had no idea how it would affect our relationship, so I was willing to still date him. He proposed. I said, "Yes." I HOPED that his "issue" (as we later called it) would not stay a problem and I believed and trusted that he would never treat me as my former husband had treated me.
We got married. He never forced himself on me or anything like that at all (and never has), which was wonderful.
And then . . .
We moved to another state with his work. The first two years were pretty good, except for the occasional frustration of getting to know each other. Two more years passed and we hadn't been getting along at all. We had each been getting on each other's nerves very easily, and on Saturday, May 11, 2002, with NO inkling whatsoever that he might be struggling with his "issue", I typed him a letter and printed it out.
In the letter, I said that I wasn't happy, that I didn't want a divorce, but that I didn't know how to "fix" our problems. I set the letter on the computer so that he would see it when he got home, and then went and took a nap.
When I got up, he had typed a reply, printed it out and had put it on the keyboard of the computer.
In the reply he confessed to the many not-good things (relating to "P.") that he had done. My heart pounded as I read his letter. When I finished reading it, I went and sat down by him on the couch and told him we would have to get a divorce. He said, "O.K.".
Then I went into the kitchen, bent over with my hand on the counter and yelled and cried, "How could you do this?!".
Calling for Help
I told him I was going to call my sister and ask her if she would ask her husband to find someone to come over and give me a blessing. She said yes.
My husband said he didn't want to be there when they arrived, so he left.
My stomach cramped. I had to lie down on the couch. My sister came over alone, and then her husband and another priesthood holder arrived a little later and gave me a blessing.
After the blessing I asked my sister to stay until my husband got home, so her husband and the other guy left. When my husband got back home, I asked him to come over to the couch to me. He did. I asked him to hold my hand. As soon as he did, I felt calm, which surprised me. I told him I didn't want to get a divorce. He said he didn't want to get a divorce either.
So . . . we decided to do what we needed to do in order to stay together.
What to Do Now?
My husband told me that he would be less-inclined to act on a thought if he knew that I was checking on his progress. I said, "What do you want me to say?" He said, "Ask me, 'How's your issue?'"
So every day, I asked the question. I might not have always liked the answer, but I was glad to often hear, "Good. No problems today."
ONE by ONE, the long days past. My mind was spinning constantly. I took 3 x 5 cards to work with me each day and wrote on them constantly. Then each night, he would very patiently listen to me and answer my questions without any sign of resentment toward me and my probings and feelings.
One day, I remember wondering how we were going to make it work, given how I was feeling. I said, "Well, what do you want to do?" He said, "Try again tomorrow."
That surprised me and helped me to know that he still wanted to try -- even with all of my frustrations with him. It made me want to try too.
So I kept trying. I prayed for him. I found scriptures that I thought might help him.
One day I wrote, "I don't want to be dealing with this, but I do want to be married to my husband."
Not Easy
It wasn't easy though. I had to still to function during all of this time! I still had to communicate with my husband. I didn't HAVE to kiss him or hold his hand or anything that I didn't want to do, but I really wanted to stay married, so slowly, I worked on doing all of that. Again -- he was very patient with me -- and kind and loving. He helped make it easy for me.
One thing I found very hard to do was to not tell everyone about the agonizing struggle I was going through. If someone gets cancer, they can tell as many people as they want to because nobody is being blamed. It's therapeutic. People can support them in their journey.
With this . . . Mouth. SHUT. Period. That's it. So it helped tremendously that my husband listened to me gripe and vent, and that he answered all of my questions. I was very thankful for that.
Enlightenment
Shortly after "the issue" surfaced, we went to see the movie, "Two Weeks' Notice." In one scene, George and Lucy are talking in the kitchen. She is telling him about things she doesn't like about him and he says:
"I'm sorry. I'm human! I think you'll find a lot of people are . . . None of us can keep up with you . . . You're intolerable . . . No one wants to live with a saint."
Those words struck me like a bat. I felt like I was Lucy and my husband was George. I believed that if I wanted to stay with my husband and love him AND stay sane, that I needed to loosen my grip of him and everything around us. The world wasn't going to change (and hasn't changed) for me and my wishes.
In Conclusion
Is there a neat little ending? Well -- we've been married now for almost 18 years. Almost fourteen years have passed since that day in May in 2002. After the first few months and years, that "daily" questioning turned into a "weekly" question and then finally -- I didn't feel the need to ask anymore.
About 7 years ago, I wrote a Toastmasters speech on marriage. I said:
"It’s not ALL a walk in the trenches, but it does take effort. We recently went to a wedding where the bride and groom said in their vows, 'I promise to love you when it’s easy, and when it takes effort.' : ) I like that. When it’s easy, and when it takes effort."
"Make the effort to have the kind of relationship you’ve always dreamed of."
"Don’t insist on always getting what you want.
If something is bothering you, tell them.
Decide what things can just slide and which things cannot.
Be forgiving.
Remember – You’re either working toward a better marriage, or you’re working toward a bad one."
I would add:
Attitude is everything.
Pray, breathe and smile and keep a sense of humor.
Best wishes to you, and may God bless and help us all.
THE END
by Lucy Anonymous
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