Dear Stake President,
I am a
member of your stake and last year, I learned that my husband of many
years (a loving, selfless, ambitious, prayerful, God fearing returned
missionary who I married in the temple) is addicted to pornography, and
has been deceiving and lying to me our entire marriage.
I have
always tried to live a righteous life and I followed all the "rules"
that were supposed to "guarantee" a good husband and a good marriage.
When it all came out, I was shocked. I could barely function. My home
quickly became a disaster. Dirty dishes were stacked in my sink for days
while the cockroaches multiplied. I couldn't sleep. I had no appetite. I
threw my toddler in front of the TV for more hours than I would like to
admit. My husband and I were separated for two weeks. The first month
upon discovery, my family ate fast food almost every night and the
second month, we ate frozen food. We took out additional student loans
to pay for my husband’s sex addiction therapist. Anytime I talked to
friends I would think, "If only you knew what my life was really
like..." On the outside it seemed like I had everything together, but I
felt like my life was falling apart.
I have always been very
obedient and have always found peace and inspiration at church. However,
attending church suddenly became confusingly traumatic for me. For
months, talk about marriage, family, or "worthy priesthood holders" sent
me crying to a church bathroom stall where I would spend sometimes over
an hour trying to pull myself together.
Many studies and
statistics show that over 50 percent of men struggle with sexual
addiction. Dan Grey, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in
sexual addiction was quoted in the LDS Church News in 2003 saying, "We
suspect that the LDS community is not any different from the rest of
society when it comes to prevalence or magnitude of sexual addictions."
If this is true, then my husband is (unfortunately) a majority! I feel
frustrated that I don't feel safe openly discussing pornography at
church when it is so prevalent! In my experience at church, there is a
lot of "avoid pornography or else you will become addicted and it will
destroy you" talk or "pray, read your scriptures, and repent so it
doesn't happen again" talk and not much talk about resources and
solutions to the many who are already addicted and to the many who do
not realize that their “porn problem” is actually an addiction.
I
hate when my husband is misunderstood. I feel like a pornography addict
is culturally looked down upon or pitied as a "sinner" and that it is
their sins that led them to such a horrible habit. While true, I also
see pornography addicts as innocent ten year old boys home alone on the
computer or curious teenagers unable to healthily process negative
emotions, fast forwarded ten, fifteen, twenty years or so into the
future. Pornography addicts are not just "sinners", like we all are, but
people who are emotionally, mentally, and spiritually sick. An addicted
brain looks physiologically different than a non-addicted brain, and
because of that, recovery should be emphasized just as much as
repentance.
I also hate being misunderstood as the wife of a
pornography addict. I didn't cause my husband's addiction, I can't cure
it, and I can't control it. I am suffering from betrayal trauma and it
is not my responsibility to "help" keep my husband clean. I am just as
powerless over my husband's addiction as he is. It is only through God
that my husband can maintain sobriety and recovery and only through God
that I can recover from the trauma I have experienced and am
experiencing.
This year I have truly experienced a trial of my
faith. There are times when I have doubted, when I have been angry at
God, and when I have had questions about our church. In the book, "He
Restoreth My Soul," Donal Hilton talks about the Willie and Martin
Handcart Company. He says,
"In 1853, the Willie and Martin
Handcart companies were caught in the Wyoming mountains in a snowstorm.
Many died, and the suffering was immense. President Young dismissed the
afternoon session of Sunday conference, telling the Saints, "Go and
bring in those people now on the plains." Years later, in a Sunday
School class, criticism was directed at those who had allowed the
handcart company to leave so late. A survivor stood and reprimanded them
for the criticism:
'I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak
and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one
foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or
hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must
give up, for I cannot pull the load through it. I have gone on to that
sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked
back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I
knew then that the angels of God were there. Was I sorry that I chose
to come by handcart? no. Neither then or any minute of my life since.
The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay,
and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart
Company.'"
While pornography addiction in my marriage has been
the hardest trial of my life, I have become more acquainted with God
than ever before, and I know that that price is a privilege to pay! I
cannot deny that God has been with me and with my husband through this
whole ordeal. I am not alone! Angels are with me, just as they were with
the Martin Handcart Company, pushing me along when the pain is so great
that I feel like I can't go on any longer.
A few days after
learning about my husband's addiction, I had some spiritual and sacred
experiences that helped me see the bigger picture even though I wasn't
sure how I was even going to get through another day. I call them my
"Liberty Jail" type personal revelations:
1. The day after my
husband's confession, I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first
time, I looked at my body and saw absolutely no flaws - I was SO
beautiful. I know God was allowing me to see my body the way He sees it.
My beauty is not dependent on the clothes I wear, what the scale says,
whether or not I'm wearing makeup, what my husband thinks, or even what I
think. I am beautiful because I am a daughter of God with so much
worth.
2. Before I share this experience, I want to make it
clear that I in no way feel like I am responsible for my husband's
salvation. I also don't believe that I have been perfect in my marriage.
This experience just gives me hope - I know that it is not my
responsibility to save or redeem my husband or to keep him clean.
D&C
45:3-5 states, “Listen to him who is the advocate with the Father, who
is pleading your cause before him – Saying: Father, behold the
sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom though wast well
pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him
whom though gavest that thyself might be glorified. Wherefore Father,
spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto
me and have everlasting life.”
I pictured my Savior standing
next to me and pleading, “Listen to me who is the advocate with the
Father, who is pleading your husband’s cause before you. Behold the
sufferings and death of him who did no sin; behold the blood of your
Savior which was shed… Wherefore, spare your husband, that he may come
unto me and have everlasting life.
The next day as I was
pondering this image in my mind again, another even more hopeful and
wonderful image came to my mind. I imagined myself standing next to my
Savior, but this time I was united with Him. We were pleading my
husband’s cause together before our Heavenly Father. I said to Heavenly
Father, “Listen to me who is the wife of my husband, who is pleading his
cause before Thee. Behold my sufferings of I who did no sin in my
marriage, in whom though wast well pleased; Wherefore Father, spare my
husband, that he may come with me and have everlasting life with me.”
3.
I recognize that my husband will not be healed of his addiction in this
life and will have to actively work on recovery for the rest of his
life. However, as I let this knowledge sink in the first few days of
learning he had an addiction, the image of our Savior healing him kept
coming to my mind.
In 3rd Ne 17:7 Jesus says, “Have ye any that
are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or
blind, or halt, or maimed or leprous, or that are withered, or that are
deaf, or afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal
them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy…I
see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.” And it came
to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one
accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their
lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that
were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they
were brought forth unto him. And they did all, both they who had been
healed and they who were whole, bow down at his feet, and did worship
him; and as many as could come for the multitude did kiss his feet,
insomuch that they did bathe his feet with their tears.
It is an
honor for me to fight by the side of the man I love who is sick with
pornography addiction as he works in active recovery. I want to be by my
husband’s side in the next life when he is brought to our Savior and
healed completely of his addiction. After all of the pain and heartache
and trauma and sickness and hopelessness and triumph and joy and
happiness and recovery in this life, I want to be by my husband’s side
as we bathe our Savior’s feet in our tears and worship Him and thank Him
together. I hope and pray that my husband chooses to fight and that he
continues to work his recovery. If he does, I know that we will
experience more joy and happiness together in this life and in the next
than we can even imagine. If my husband doesn't choose that, I know that
I will still be okay because my life is in God's hands.
I hope
and pray that we can continue to bring light, awareness, help, hope, and
healing to this plague as quickly as it is spreading.
The
following resources have greatly helped my husband and I in our
recoveries, in our understanding of pornography addiction, and in how we
want to teach our children:
Articles/Blog Posts:
Sitting in A Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship – Being LDS and Overcoming Pornography Addiction
http://rowboatandmarbles.org/sitting-in-a-rowboat-lds-porn-addiction-recovery
A Letter to LDS Wives About Pornography Addiction
http://rowboatandmarbles.org/letter-lds-wives-pornography-addiction
Modern Day Pioneer Women: Survivors of Marital Infidelity
http://mwharkertherapist.blogspot.com/2010/08/modern-day-pioneer-women-survivors-of.html
9 Moments to Share Values With Your Kids
http://womenfordecency.org/blog/9-moments-to-share-values-with-your-kids/
4 Conversation Starters: Talking to Kids About Pornography
http://womenfordecency.org/blog/4-ways-to-start-a-conversation-pornography-kids/
Conversations That Build Trust
http://womenfordecency.org/blog/conversations-that-build-trust/
Books:
He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton
What Can I Do About Him Me? By Rhyll Croshaw
12 Step Programs:
Sexaholics Anonymous
Sex Addicts Anonymous
Healing Through Christ (for loved ones of addicts)
http://www.healingthroughchrist.org/index.php
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist:
My
husband goes to Adam Calvert at Wellspring Christian Clinic. Adam is
not LDS, but shares our values and has been a huge part of my husband's
recovery.
http://www.wellspringchristian.com/Adam_Calvert.html
Organizations:
The Togetherness Project
http://www.togethernessproject.com/
Fight The New Drug
http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/
Forum for Wives (or Ex Wives) of Porn Addicts
http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/forum-for-wives/
No comments:
Post a Comment