Dear Friend,
My husband and I
have had a challenging year. Actually, it has been one of the hardest of
my life and yet also the most spiritual and comforting. My husband has
struggled with an addiction to pornography since he was a teenager.
There were long periods of sobriety, sometimes years long and many
bishops and feelings of “I’ve got this”. He would continually follow his
priesthood leader’s guidance to ‘study your scriptures more, pray more
and attend the temple more’, in an effort to conquer this trial.
Finally, in January of this year we recognized this “problem” as an
actual addiction, not because of the intensity and escalations, but
rather due to the cycles. Once we started treating it as an addiction,
or an illness, then we both started to heal and recover. We realized
that you can’t cure cancer by faith alone. It has to be faith, grace and
a recovery plan. One year later, my husband has 12 months of solid,
healthy sobriety and I am healing as well. We know this is just a start,
but we are so humbly grateful to finally be starting. Over the course
of this journey, we have learned and continue to learn so many things
and I would love to share some of them with you.
We are not alone. According to Andrew of Rowboats and Marbles (http://rowboatandmarbles.org)
70% of men between the ages of 18 and 34 visit a pornographic website
at least once a month.
(http://rowboatandmarbles.org/silent-seventy-percent-of-lds-men-look-at-porn)
This statistic is not LDS specific but based on the number of men going
to in to see their bishops, they feel this number is consistent in the
church as well. My dad is in the bishopric of a BYU singles ward and
every semester around 50% of the men confess their pornography ‘problem’
to the bishop. And those are the ones confessing. It is also important
to recognize that this is not just a man’s disease, women struggle too.
This is a human disease.
Pornography is not really the issue.
Pornography is the chosen method of acting out for the addict . The
real issue, the root of almost any addiction, is low self worth or
internalized shame. (http://www.ccgasia.net/docs/shame.pdf)
Shame follows a cycle just like an addiction does and they both end in
acting out, in whatever way the addict has found to medicate his/her low
self worth. (http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/2013/05/shame-addiction-and-affirmations.html)
A pornography ‘problem’ has nothing to do with perversion or sex and
everything to do with using the naturally excreted hormones to self
sooth and self medicate against the negative emotions (that produce
shame) in life (http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/Get-The-Facts/)
Addiction changes you.
The chemicals naturally produced by our bodies are just as addictive as
external drugs. And some psychologists say that since the hormones are
naturally and constantly in our body and sex and sexual images surround
us in our daily lives, that pornography and sex addiction is just as
hard or harder to overcome than Meth. It has been proven that when
someone becomes ensnared by an addiction, it physically changes the shape of your brain. (http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/Get-The-Facts/). Your impulse section grows and your decision making section shrinks.
Addiction takes a kind, loving person and they become insensitive,
selfish, impatient, and lack the ability to feel empathy. They lie. They
often withdraw and turn into themselves in an attempt to hide from the
guilt that accompanies addiction.
The spouse of a Pornography (or sex) addict experiences “Betrayal Trauma”. (http://rhyllrecovery.com/codependency-and-trauma/) Its symptoms are akin to the symptoms of PTSD (http://rhyllrecovery.com/q-i-just-found-out-that-my-husband-has-a-porn-addiction-what-should-i-do/).
We feel isolated. We have been taught by our addicted husbands that
this is THEIR secret and we betray them by seeking help. We are taught
that we are not worthy of and therefore unable to seek the direction of
the spirit on our own as how to heal from the trauma inflicted upon us.
We need encouragement and confirmation of our worth and ability to
listen to inspiration. We need to know that we can open up and talk to a
SAFE person. (someone who will keep it confidential and love without
judgment) We feel let down by the priesthood (because our HUSBANDS did
this) and so permission and even encouragement from our priesthood
leaders to seek help would go a LONG way. We need a safe way to release
these negative feelings caused by the addiction so that they don’t
fester and cause resentments which make it harder to heal and forgive
our husbands. Once again, the pornography is not the real issue. The
lying, betrayal and double life is the most hurtful part for the spouse.
It is healing and helpful to be able to say to a safe person, “I am
devastated and hurt because ____________.” Every time a priesthood
leader encourages a spouse to ‘keep the secret’, what they are actually
doing in enabling the addiction and causing further trauma to the
spouse.
We cannot heal alone. Just as the spouse cannot
heal alone in silence, neither can the addict. For years, we have had
bishops encourage more prayer, more study, more faith so that God could
take away this trial. We had faith, we went to the temple, we studied
harder, and my husband so desperately pleaded with the Lord to take away
this temptation, this trial. But nothing worked because Carl wasn’t
ready to GIVE the sin to God. The miracle was not found in the result
but rather in the work. It has been a long journey, with so much
progression and learning left, but once he began to do the backbreaking
work of rewiring his brain, of uncovering what the addiction was hiding,
that is when he began to really use the Atonement and heal. It has and
continues to take hours and hours of group therapy, 12 step meetings,
counseling, studying, reading and journaling and the Lord has been our
constant companion every step of the way. In fighting for it, my husband
is learning about his strength, worth and earthly and eternal ability.
He is learning that this addiction does not define him. He has learned
so much compassion, trust and love for himself and for others. He is
releasing and healing from years of shame and feelings of inadequacy. As
he reaches out to others and to Lord, he is truly being healed and is
learning the meaning of stand with those in need of comfort and mourn
with those who mourn. This trial has been one of the greatest blessings
of our lives. I fear that every time we are counseled to ‘keep the
secret’ and simply pray and study more, we are inadvertently telling
people that if they seek outside help (therapy, 12 step groups, group
therapy) then they lack enough faith to be healed. This couldn’t be
farther from the truth. It was when he humbled himself to the point that
he allowed other people to love, support and accept us, warts and all,
that the true healing power of the Atonement worked. When he saw that
other people could love us with our flaws, that is when he realized that
God had loved him all along. It may be the longer or more difficult
road, but as a friend recently said, “Hard things aren’t bad things.”
Don't Judge.
Recovering from an addiction or being a recovering spouse is HARD. We
are under intense pressure and suffering from real diagnosable trauma.
We don't always make the right choices or behave in healthy ways. But,
we are TRYING. So hard. And we are HURTING. So bad. We don't want to be
judged and we don't want our spouses judged. We want to be loved and
validated. It's hard being the spouse of an addict, but it is also hard
having and recovering from an addiction. We need to teach our members to
not judge us but rather allow us to receive our own inspiration and
support us as we follow it. They need to know that if this isn’t in
their life and marriage, with technology ever changing, it could be at
any minute.
We are becoming addicted at a faster rate than we are healing.
This ‘problem’ is not going away any time soon. With the increases in
technology, it has the potential to only get more serious and more
prevalent. The more we try to simply pray it away, the worse it can
become. But, if we combine therapies and groups and support (work) with
prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, and member acceptance
(faith), the better our chances of winning become. And winning brings us
stronger marriages, more Christ-like members and families that have a
fighting chance. We need to stop addressing the issue of pornography as
if sobriety is the primary goal. Being Christ-like is the primary goal,
and that can not happen if we are rooted in shame and judging one
another. We need to talk about it openly and lovingly. We need to be
able to share what we are learning without the fear of being stigmatized
and ostracized. We have the best support system that has ever been
known with the most Christ-like people yet we feel the need to hide from
them due to the labels we fear will be placed on us. We will begin to
win when we can really talk about it.
I
will forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for not making this path
shorter or easier. He has encouraged us to reach and grow through our
desperation and struggle and that is allowing us to become the best
versions of ourselves. I do not expect any major changes as a result of
this email. Frankly, I am thrilled to death that you read it. It is
healing to just be heard. I just ask that you add my story to all of the
other stories in your mind.
Thank you for listening to me. We
ask for your prayers as we fight in this battle against Satan. We truly
believe that even though the pain is so real and intense, that we are
not fighting against each other, but rather fighting together against a
dangerous adversary. We appreciate your love and support.
With love,
Your friend
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