Dear Me,
Your husband just confessed his porn addiction to you. You are 21. No 21-year-old girl should have to go through what you are. My heart breaks just thinking about you. You are feeling so many things: fear, shame, guilt, stress, anger, sadness, betrayal, weakness, vulnerable, and numbness. You will feel more. Your ability to experience emotion will intensify as you go on, but so will your ability to receive promptings from God and to see the light shine through the darkness.
It’s going to be okay. I know because I’m from the future. I’ve seen you wade through the hard times. I’ve seen you scream when no one is around because you don’t know any other way to express the way you’re feeling. I’ve seen you punch pillows, slam your fist against the wall, and wish some horrible accident would fall upon you and possibly take your life so you could be freed from this trial. I’ve seen you wish so desperately that you could have a baby, but not want to have sex. And I’ve seen the pain you have experienced and the guilt you have felt at the situation a child would be born in to. I’ve seen all of that and more.
Guess what, though? You are stronger than you believe. You have so much potential as a daughter of God. I’ve seen you draw closer to Him through this trial. I’ve seen you use this situation to reach out to others and strengthen them. I’ve seen you overcome darkness in the toughest of situations.
You can do hard things. Can I say that again? You can do hard things. Do not give up. You are a fighter.
I want to give you a little bit of advice.
First of all, keep your relationship with God strong. When you get angry at Him (which is normal), remember to see the ways He is blessing you. You can’t control your husband’s actions. You can’t control the situation at all, but you can control your reaction. God won’t leave you to die in the dust. Keep turning to Him and count your tender mercies. When you see that He has not left you, you will find added strength to what you already have.
Make sure you pray. Open up your heart to God like you would if you were talking to your best friend. For a while, you won’t feel like you can talk to anyone. You can always talk to Him, and He is the best listener.
Don’t give up hope on your husband. He will have major ups and downs. He will lie to you, and he will be sneaky. But what he is dealing with in this fight is beyond anything you can comprehend. So set boundaries to keep yourself safe, but also remember that he is a cherished son of God. Of course, follow the Spirit. If you notice that Husband is not working hard on recovery, there are boundaries for that. It’s okay to separate. And, in the end, divorce may be what is in store. I don’t know about that because I’m only 24 and there is a large road ahead of me still. But for where I am now, in your future, I know that there is hope to make it to age 24 and have an overall good relationship with your husband.
You will have to be strong for both of you for a while. You will have to be the spiritual leader in the home, and it is completely exhausting. When you don’t think you can open up your scriptures again and ask him to read with you, and when you don’t think you can pray with him (or for him) because you are so angry, remember that small bit of effort will pay off.
Allow yourself to safely be vulnerable. Share with him the pains that you are experiencing. Don’t try to not hurt his feelings. Say it like it is. Be open and transparent about things. Keep your boundaries in place, but as you start trusting again, share with him the secrets of your heart. It will help your emotional relationship, and eventually the physical stuff will fall into a working place.
Always remember you are not alone. I’d encourage you to open up to people about this. Don’t let it fester and boil underneath and try to be strong for others around you. People need to know you are hurting. You can’t take care of yourself by yourself, so open up and let people in. Your husband may not like that, but this isn’t just about him. It’s about you. You have to do what is best for you to be emotionally stable and feel support. You don’t know it right now, but there is a whole world of amazing women who know exactly what you are going through. They will come to be your best friends. Find them.
You will make it. Don’t forget: you are strong. When Satan attacks you with the darkness of depression, find the light. You will feel like giving up in so many ways and on so many occasions. Don’t give up. Hold on to whatever you can and run for dear life. You will make it through.
I love you. You are beautiful and talented. Don’t lose yourself as you fight this war. If you lose yourself, it will be so much harder to recover. Do the things you love and make sure you take the time for your soul to heal.
You will make it. I promise.
Love,
Me
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