Dear Bishop,
I just wanted to send a quick note to update you on my activity with the church's addiction recovery program.
I facilitate for two meetings. Saturday mornings 7:30am. This meeting is for women who are affected by the pornography or sexual addiction of a loved one.
The meeting averages about 9 sisters but we have had as many as 17 in attendance, we have two sister missionaries and I believe that meeting is run by the ______ stake (not positive). It is a fantastic meeting! There are several sisters there who have been involved in recovery work for 10 years or more and are a great strength to our group. We have at least one or two new sisters who join us each month freshly broken hearted by their awareness of their husband or son's addiction and it is a privilege for me to be available to love and support and lend hope to these new sisters just as I was shown when I walked into my first ARP PASG (pornography addiction support group) meeting in October 2011.
The other meeting I facilitate for is a couples PASG group that meets Sunday evenings at 7pm. It's a great meeting too and an opportunity for husbands and wives to connect and share and hear and receive truth about how to overcome the challenges in their lives.
I'll share a little of my story with you: My husband and I were married in September 1998 and as we prepared to be sealed in the temple I remember our bishop telling us that he had never had a couple come to him with marriage problems that was praying together daily, reading scriptures together daily and attending the temple together regularly. I took that as a guarantee and we rocked it. Sometimes we'd miss a day or two but I made sure we were doing what we were supposed to do to earn exaltation & a happy marriage/eternal family. We were very active in church and were always in the core group of active ward members who made sure that things got done. My husband and I served in young men and young women's presidencies, elders quorum and primary presidencies and as temple ordinance workers in the _________ temple before our little girls were born. Often I had the feeling that something was off or just not right in our marriage but because my husband was always kind, always had the right answers, was supportive of me and where he was supposed to be/doing what he was supposed to be doing all the time I thought that the problem in our marriage must be me. So I read lots of self-help books and tried to step up my standing on the "perfect Mormon wife/mom" image I had in my head and drove myself silly trying one new thing after another to find joy and happiness that I thought were supposed to come with active/faithful participation in church & temple.
In September 2011 I walked in on my husband watching porn on his phone. I couldn't believe it and was in shock. The spirit helped me to remain calm but my fear soared through the roof and I didn't think that our marriage would make it. Thankfully I had the temple and as I went just a couple of days after I discovered the darkness that was a constant third party in our marriage, I received the assurance that my daughters and I would be okay regardless of whether my husband chose to repent & recover or not. I knew we would be okay with or without him. Thankfully we had great support from the beginning. I packed up and left with my kids and headed for Alan's dad's house that conference weekend. His dad had experience being a missionary in the old ADAM program of the church so he sent me home with instructions to find meetings and go right away. Alan and I both did and have participated religiously ever since.
We have both found tremendous healing through working the 12 steps outlined and learning to put Jesus Christ first in our lives and receive his grace. It has absolutely changed our lives and I'm happy to report that I now feel almost constantly the joy and happiness that were remarkably missing for the first 15 years of our relationship and really for the last 30 years of my life!
I love the addiction recovery program. It is my favorite meeting in the church. The spirit I feel there (I believe it is because people come so humble, honest & broken) is wonderful and it is beautiful to see people receive the spirit and gain greater light in their countenances as they pour their hearts into working the steps that open their hearts to receiving healing and grace through the atonement of our redeemer Jesus Christ!
These meetings are filled with hope, love and the spirit. Anyone is welcome to attend, we'd love to have you and your wife join Alan and I at a couples meeting so that you can feel and witness the beautiful spirit of healing that is found there.
My husband and I are both willing to speak and share with anyone you know of who might benefit from hearing our story or participating in the ARP.
Sorry this note got long. Thank you for your support and feel free to call anytime with questions or I have some great resources I'd love to share with you that can be helpful as you meet with couples who are struggling. Sisters who have found out about their husband's addiction are especially fragile and vulnerable and need a lot of validation and sincere gentle care. Usually it is best for them to take time to slow down in life as they begin to process the trauma that has hit them through this addiction. There is a great book available for free download here: http://salifeline.org/understand-pornography-and-sexual-addiction/ it has great helps for bishops and other leaders in gently helping wives of addicts. Also, I've found the free book here: http://rowboatandmarbles.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Sitting-in-a-Rowboat-eBook-9-15-11-2nd-revised.pdf to be a great resource and one of the most hopeful stories I've read. Thankfully Arizona has a thriving PASG program so SA isn't always needed thought it wouldn't hurt for an addict to find an SA sponsor as Andrew suggests in his book.
Thanks for your time and support!
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