Dear Bishop,
I've been
thinking a lot about trials and weaknesses lately. Your meeting with us yesterday
has had one thing repeating in my head, "That hard things aren't bad
things." I even spent the whole weekend reflecting on the trials in my
life and their benefits. Now, I'm still a little too close to [an
unrelated trial] to be seeing all the blessings, but I believe I will
find them. But, with the porn stuff, my heart has been full all
weekend, for the blessings of this trial.
For you, as a Bishop
working with others, I just wanted to express a few things that are
going through my mind about the topic. This trial, the uphill battle of
my husband's sobriety has been one of the great blessings in both of our
lives. For years we had Bishops encourage more prayer, more fasting,
more faith, so God could take away the trial. We had faith, we had
prayer, and we fasted -- and my husband wanted to have God take away the
trial, the temptation. But nothing changed. Because he hadn't been
ready to GIVE away the sin. To do the backbreaking work of rewiring his
brain, his life, uncovering what this addiction was hiding -- what he
was medicating, his beliefs about himself and others that were painful
or ugly. It has been the long pathway -- the hours and hours in group
therapy, talking with others in 12 step meetings, the studying and
reading and journaling, that have truly changed his life, while God has
been working all things for his good and changing his heart. It is just
as much a miracle in my eyes as if my husband had woken up one day with
this sin removed, his heart made clean and had no desire to sin again --
but in fighting for it, he has had the opportunity to learn about
himself, about his relationships with his earthly parents and his
Heavenly Parents. He has learned SO much compassion, love and trust of
others. He's released years of shame and isolation and lack of
self-worth and has been healed by Christ as he has opened up and reached
out and learned to comfort those who stand in need of comfort and mourn
with those who mourn. I believe God can miraculously heal us without
therapy and 12 step groups, obviously -- but I believe He also has them
here for our good. And I believe that without reaching out and making
connections for support or as support for others, that we are missing
part of the equation of healing, of an opportunity to learn Christlike
love, of mourning and comforting as commanded.
I'm afraid we
inadvertently tell people that if they seek outside help (therapy, 12
step groups, group therapy), that they just don't have enough faith.
That they're not trusting God, that they don't truly believe in the
power of the atonement. But we have found the power of the atonement
manifested to us in group therapy and 12 step groups -- and the healing
of being with and sharing with people. To having people love and accept
you, warts and all. To feel the shame that we've held on to slip away
and be replaced with love and acceptance. I've never felt my Savior so
close as I have through these experiences. I have felt Christlike love
-- from my Savior and through others who are seeking Him on this same
path.
I believe Christ's atonement works in a myriad of ways, and
I think we sell ourselves short if we believe or, without meaning to,
teach others that the miracles are only in the dramatic, or the 'poof'
experiences. (For years I wished God would just wave a magic wand and
'poof', my husband would be healed and whole and this trial would be
over.) I also had many Bishops encourage this line of thinking, that if
we had enough faith, the sin and the desire to sin would just
disappear. Which, I believe it can -- I believe it works this way for
some people. I also believe that for many people, probably the majority,
the healing comes through work and practice and learning about negative
patterns and replacing them with healthier outlets, examining habits
and patterns and replacing them with healthier ones which effectively
rewires the brain, and in connecting with people and letting go of the
shame that's made them feel unloved or unconnected for so long. That
through that work, the miracle comes. The desire to sin leaves, as the
desire and understanding of good things and healthy outlets grows. It's a
more grueling process in some ways, but very worth it. And the Savior
is leading it every step of the way.
The
great miracle we've learned through all of this is God's hand in our
lives, the truthfulness of the atonement and its power, and the immense
power in reaching out and being with others. This would not have been
the same experience if it had been only handled silently in prayer,
quietly alone in the temple and secretly in fasting. Those things have
been amazing and we wouldn't be here without them, but without the
struggle, the therapy, the group meetings, the reaching out to others,
neither of us would be the people we are now. And as much as I just
wanted the porn problem to just 'disappear' the first 8 years of my
marriage, I am so grateful for the struggle it's been -- we are both
better, richer people for it. I know that living longer with sin
affecting our life wasn't a good thing, but God makes all things work
out for our good. And the things he (and I) have learned about
ourselves and what drives our bad behaviors and our hurt feelings, has
brought us closer to each other, to God, and to healing.
I just
want to share this, because as much as I believe Christ is the one true
path to healing, I believe that sometimes we inadvertently make people
feel like there is only one way the path to wholeness should look -- and
that that one path is much more instantaneous and miraculous that it
often is for most people. If it hadn't had been this hard (if praying
and fasting alone had been enough), what would we have missed out on? We
wouldn't be who we are now, and I wouldn't trade the testimony of the
atonement that I've gained for an easier or quicker path. I am grateful
to know that God is there, has always been there, but that He is also
willing to let us struggle, hurt and live in pain for awhile, so that
when we find Him, when we find peace and healing and our Savior, that it
is that much sweeter and full. That we have learned so much more on
this long road, that we have been refined in the process, so that we are
stronger going into the next trial. I think there were times we were
almost ready to give up hope, because we hadn't gotten our 'miracle'
yet. Our praying and fasting and temple attendance must somehow be
lacking, we thought. Maybe we weren't good enough, didn't have enough
faith, for God to take away this trial. But I will forever be grateful
to my Heavenly Father for not making this path shorter or easier -- that
He made us reach and work and struggle, and because of that we got
desperate and started to work like never before. That this struggle
opened up a whole new world to us, and through it we've met some of the
greatest people I've ever known, and we've been able to be those people
in the lives of others. We've become emotionally, physically, mentally
and spiritually healthier people. I just wanted to share this, because I
know the path to healing and wholeness, in any number of trials, looks
so different for each person. And I just wanted to share that at times,
if we preach only the 'ideal' of what repentance and forsaking of sins
'should' look like, we miss out on the variety of winding paths that God
uses to bring us back to Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment