My husband is a sex-addict. He is addicted to pornography and masturbation. I hope and pray that it never becomes anything more.
I didn't know about his addiction when we got married. In fact, I made sure he wasn't addicted to pornography before we got married. I never thought he was or even had the potential to be. I thought I knew him, and to me he was perfect. His actions showed me he was the best guy in the world. In fact, before we got married, one of my best friends said, "Have fun being married to a general authority." He seemed that good.
A long time ago, I made a promise to someone that whenever the opportunity came to get married, I would ask that awkward question, "Are you by chance addicted to pornography?" just to make sure. And let me tell you, asking that question was awkward. He said no, and I was embarrassed for even asking. We laughed, and not too much longer after that, we decided to get married.
Six months after our marriage was when I discovered the lie that changed my life.
Words cannot even begin to describe the hurt and pain I felt. I was that girl. I had been betrayed by my husband, the man who I thought could never hurt me.
I thought, why me? Why us? Why him? Him?? My husband? The guy I thought was perfect? My knight in shining armor? He has this disgusting addiction? Of all people, and of all lies to come out? This?
It was absolutely HORRIBLE. I was devastated.
Somehow, as is the usual in this situation, I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I wasn't good enough. I thought I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, or that I didn’t give him enough sex. I thought I wasn’t living my life right (spiritually), and it seemed that everything I thought I had known about my ability to receive personal revelation was wrong. I mean, God wouldn’t tell me to marry a man like this, right? He would have stopped me if I had listened, right?
Every fear I ever had from every boyfriend I had ever dated came back to haunt me. I didn't date good guys in high school. I always thought they were good, and then the lies came out. The worst one was the guy who dated me for the "game" of corrupting the Mormon girl. That guy was seriously involved with pornography too, and the way he and his friends treated me scared me.
After the losers I dated in high school, it took a while to be confident in my shoes. But, I discovered myself, and I became who I knew I could be. I stayed away from guys who I knew wouldn't treat me right. I came to learn how to recognize the Spirit better, and I tried to let Him guide me.
In college, I went on lots of dates. I had crushes, but I was very non-committal. I didn't want attachment. I didn't want to get married yet. Then I met my husband. We started out as friends. He liked me a lot, but I was not interested. We remained friends, and eventually, we dated. After praying about it and making a very spiritual decision, I KNEW he was the one for me. As hard as it was to make that kind of commitment, I knew we were supposed to get married, and I acted in faith. Besides, I loved him. I couldn't live without him.
Three weeks after we got married, I was in a fairly serious car accident. I had a concussion that lasted for weeks. I had neck and back injuries. And it seriously impacted our physical relationship. Not to mention my emotional state.
I was a basket-case. It was my junior year of college, and I was taking hard and time-consuming classes. I missed three weeks of school and had tons to make up. Physical intimacy was hard to handle. It put me in physical pain. So...we just kind of stopped having sex. I would give in sometimes, but every time it just felt painful, and that's all I could focus on. Emotionally, it was empty. I was just fulfilling a need he had and I came to really dislike sex because it felt all about him.
Over time, we started fighting a lot. I didn't blame him: I was hard to live with. I was the girl with emotional and physical trauma who was trying to make peace with a life that just got messed up. I couldn't meet his needs, and he didn't seem to know how to meet mine. Of course, the fighting made me feel worse about everything.
We had lots of ups and downs. Our life wasn't horrible. I mean, we tried to make it as best as we could. We went on dates and did fun things together. And there were times when we did still feel like the blissful newlyweds. But, there was a lot of darkness for me, and I constantly asked myself why we had been robbed of the honeymoon phase.
I remember on a beautiful day in March, a day when I felt really happy and thought everything was falling back into place, I came home and cheerfully asked him how his day was going.
"Fine" was his only response.
No looking up from the computer.
An edge of irritation in his voice.
I wasn't going to let him ruin my day, though. I went in our room to read. For fun. Something that was hard to come by as a college student.
Not much later, he was in our room saying we needed to talk. In a whirlwind, he confessed his addiction. My happy day was ruined. He cried. I cried. It hurt. And finally, everything seemed to make sense. The fighting. His need for sex. His emotional distance.
And thus began the need for healing and our road to recovery.
It took me a long time to cope. I experienced the typical feelings of worthlessness and fear of sexual intimacy. I had to learn to trust again, and I had to learn to forgive. I’m still learning those things.
That initial confession was almost three years ago. In that time, we have experienced a lot of pain and heartache. And yet, we have come so far. We still have ups and downs, but we both have gained perspective, and we are both learning. We've learned about marriage, teamwork, the gospel, the Atonement, and love. We've learned how to better communicate and express our emotions and needs. We’re learning about the gift of vulnerability and how important it is to be transparent with each other. We’re learning how to sort through the muck, and we are becoming more unified (even though he still messes up, and I still get angry, irritable, and impatient). We still have much to learn. But I’ve found that we are experiencing a beautiful journey, and if we can find the way to turn this over to God and lean on Him, I am confident that we will make it through and become that much stronger in years to come.
I look forward to the time when our marriage is clean of the filth that has infiltrated and caused so much suffering. There is always that possibility of separation or divorce, but based on our progression and learning, I trust that we will make it through. But even if our marriage doesn’t survive, I’m confident that I will.
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