WoPA Letter 12 - My Story

Very early into our relationship, I knew that A was to be my husband. He likes to tell people that it was his good looks and manly Toyota truck that won me. Through multiple spiritual experiences I knew; revelation through prayer, random strangers suddenly appearing out of nowhere and telling me that he'd marry me, details in my patriarchal blessing, and in a dream.

It wasn't until a few months into dating A that this dream was brought to my attention again and when I realized that it was A that was in my dream months prior to even knowing he existed. It still gives me goose bumps to think about. Experiences like this one is what caused me to be so confused on that cold November night just a month short of our wedding day.

A had been acting differently and I had a consuming sick feeling that something was wrong and there was something he wasn't telling me. He seemed very distant and wouldn't look me in the eye making me very uneasy. That Sunday was Fast Sunday and I felt the need to fast for him. I fasted that he would have the strength to tell me what was wrong and that I would have the strength to handle whatever it was that was bothering him. I knew it was something serious.

That evening when A said he wanted to go for a drive I knew it was the answer to my prayers and fast. Nervously and silently we drove to the temple parking lot and had a conversation I will never forget.

He told me that he knew I had been fasting for him that day. How he knew that I'm not sure. Just kidding, I definitely know how. He then tearfully told me of his past with pornography and confessed that he had recently lapsed and fell into its deadly grip again. My first instinct was to call off the wedding. I was so full of anger, disgust, and feelings of betrayal I just sat there in silence and shock not knowing what to say. Not wanting to jump and make any decisions while in that state of mind, I said a silent prayer asking the Lord for comfort and to help me know what to do. As soon as I said my silent 'amen' I was filled with an overwhelmingly warm comforting feeling of peace, hope and an intense love for A. The Lord helped me to see him as He sees him. I looked at him broken, with tears streaming down his face and knew that I needed to marry him. My answer to marry him was even stronger and more definite than any other answer I had received before. He was for me. We needed each other. At the time, I knew very little about pornography except that it was highly addictive and highly destructive. I also knew that it was about to become a bigger part of my life than I had ever hoped but had a tinge of hope that once we got married that would be the cure-all. Wrong.

A short 2 months after we were married as I was working on some homework I happened upon some images on my computer. I immediately called A out. He admitted they were his, apologized, deleted them and said it wouldn't happen again. A few weeks went by and it happened again. And then again. And then again. He agreed that it was becoming a problem and went to visit with our Bishop.

I felt like I was living a nightmare. I blamed myself. I'm not good enough. I'm ugly. He doesn't love me. He's not happy with me. I'm worthless. These thoughts bombarded me every day and every night as I cried myself to sleep. I became a zombie, numbly going through the motions each day to survive, praying for the Lord to give me strength and to help me find happiness. Remembering the feelings and love I felt for A and the assurance I received that he was my forever husband, that night he told first told me of his problem was what gave me enough hope to keep going each day.

I found myself questioning my love for him. I would always return an "I Love You" whenever he would say it but I said it with reluctance and wondering if I truly believed what I was saying. I felt horrible! How could I not love my husband, especially in this time of our lives when he needed the most love and support from me? I prayed daily to my Heavenly Father to help me remember why I fell in love with A and to help me see him as He does. As time went on, the Lord showed me how blessed I am to have A in my life. He was not the monster I regretfully so often thought of him as. There was a monster attacking him but he was not THE monster. He was a child of God battling one of the most difficult battles of our world.

With every relapse, after several months passed, the anger and sadness would leave but the feelings of worthlessness and loneliness still lingered and I became severely codependent and obsessed with the idea of protecting my husband from the monster: pornography.

I was afraid to leave my house without him, scared to leave him alone. When I did leave him alone, my thoughts were consumed with worry and fear. I installed internet filters on our computer and checked up on them almost daily. I secretly watched him from a distance and over his shoulder whenever he used the computer. I felt it was my job, and my way of "helping " him, to protect him from pornography. We rarely went into public without me wondering if he noticed and admired the immodestly dressed woman with the body I could only dream to have. Every little thing triggered me into my thoughts of worthlessness and feeling like I had to compete for my husband's love and attention. Codependency left me feeling crazy. Codependency was my addiction.

For 3 and a half years we went through the same cycle: He would secretly act out, never telling me. I'd find images. I'd ask him about it, he'd admit to it, we'd cry together, he'd promise to do better, he'd go visit with the bishop. A few good months...and then repeat. I didn't have to see the images to know when he made a mistake. I could feel it and I could see it in him. I could see the lack of light in his eyes and countenance and he seemed so distanced. Each cycle seemed to last about 3 months. Every 3 months I tried to prepare myself for what I knew was going to happen (it always did), and every time I was just as devastated and hurt.

I didn't fully understand what the term 'addicted' meant. I couldn't understand how Andy could so easily slip into the pornography when he knew how it affected me and our family. "Why can't you just not do it?!" I didn't understand. Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, "quitting even the hardest drugs is nothing in comparison to quitting a sexual addiction." Pornography literally messes with the brain.

During those 3 and a half years I felt so alone. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. My pride blinded me from seeing the help talking to people, even my bishop or stake president, could give me. My perfectionism didn't want to admit, especially to others, that my life and marriage wasn't perfect. I was embarrassed to even look my bishop in the eye; he knew our secret. I didn't tell my family what we were going through. With the Lord's help and only his help, I was able to work through and abandon my feelings of anger and bitterness and learn to forgive Andy each time he relapsed. The feelings of being alone, worthless and disappointment in myself for not being able to keep it out of our lives still pressed on.

The spring of 2012, after another one of A's relapses we had another conversation I will never forget. During our lengthy chat, A finally verbally admitted to himself and to me that his problem with pornography was more than that. He was addicted. Pornography had been part of his life, off and on, for over 10 years. Scripture study and prayer alone wasn't enough to kick this 'habit'. He needed help. He decided to begin attending meetings with the LDS Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) specifically for those with addictions to pornography. When he came home from his first meeting he was glowing and so excited to share what he learned. Seeing him like this lifted a huge weight from me. I had hope again for the future, our future. I was so happy for him and for the immeasurable progress he was making but I felt like I was at a standstill with my recovery. I had forgiven him, I wasn't angry or bitter anymore. The only things on my list was to gain a self esteem, trust him again, talk to someone and tell our family.

After that first meeting he told me, with permission, that one of our friends was at the meeting as well. I never would have guessed that this couple was faced with the same hardship as us. I was sad for them because I knew of the extreme heartache it caused but was so relieved at the same time. I finally had a friend I could talk to, one that felt the same emotions and pains as me. I loved chatting with her; It felt so good to finally let it out. My secret, our secret, was no longer a secret. She suggested to me a book called From Heartache To Healing. This book was the start to my own recovery.

A month after finding a friend that was going through the same thing as me, we moved out of state. Hours from my friend and hours from family. I was back to feeling alone. The ARP meetings didn't seem to be helping A as much as they did before we moved. It was a new program in our area and was very poorly attended. I was starting to lose hope and started to think that I just needed to come to terms with the fact that this is just how it's going to be. I'm never going to be able to completely trust my husband again. I'm never going to be happy again.

With A's typical cycle of relapse, my feelings cycled as well. Depressed and hopeless, to numbly functioning day to day, to finding good in things around me. Then discovering his lapse and starting over with feeling hopelessness.

The week of Valentine's Day of 2013 I found images from a recent lapse and hit an all time low. I couldn't look A in the eye. I was angry and short with both A and my kids when they didn't deserve it. My thoughts were consumed with hateful and negative ideas about myself and my marriage. The real me was being suffocated by codependency and negative thoughts planted by the adversary himself.

One afternoon, a few days before Valentine's Day, I was feeling like I couldn't go on any longer; I just wanted to run away from the nightmare I was living. I knelt down and began to sob to my Heavenly Father. I'm not sure if I got any audible or clear words out but I know the Lord was listening as I could feel his love surround me. It was then that I remembered the book suggested by my friend 9 months earlier, From Heartache To Healing. I knew this is what I needed at that point in time. I immediately went straight to the computer and ordered it.

Reading From Heartache To Healing I realized that I deserve to be and could be happy again and my marriage can survive. How? Only by letting the Savior take full control. I had to stop worrying about A's recovery and focus on mine. I could be happy even when he was falling back on his addiction. After finishing the book I was ready to make changes, big changes. I was going to be happy, and give up my codependency.

I joined an online forum of ladies with sexually addicted husbands. It was great to have women from all over the world understanding how I felt and to give me cyber hugs on bad days but I learned so much from them as well. I learned from their experiences and I was shown how blessed I am. A's addiction could be worse. Much much worse. I'm not down playing his addiction by any means; sexual addictions are very serious but the forum opened my eyes to what our marriage and lives could become if we don't both make changes. I am thankful that he is still an active member of the church with a testimony. I'm thankful that he wants to change and make things right and in line with the Lord. I'm thankful that he doesn't blame me for his addiction when for so long I blamed myself. I'm thankful for the communication that we have, specifically on the topics of pornography and recovery. I also made a friend from the forum that helped me in more ways then she knows. We email frequently; I love the support we can offer each other.

Along with participating in online forums I started the 12 step recovery program for spouses of sex addicts called Healing Through Christ. Just like A's recovery I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It's a slow process but forward steps are still being taken. The idea of applying the 12 steps to my own life seem strange at first since I wasn't the one with the addiction. The 12 steps aren't just for those struggling with addictions. They are for everyone who needs the blessings of the atonement in their life. I also enrolled in a 6 week therapy course through Addo Recovery that helped me make even more changes especially in how I view myself. I also joined secret Facebook pages to connect with even more wives of addicts.

My husband and I still have a long road of recovery ahead of us where many mistakes will still be made and many unwanted thoughts will be had but with the Lord's help we can make it. We can completely be healed of our pains and addiction. There is support everywhere if we are willing to accept it, both from the addict community and more importantly the Lord. There is hope.