To My Relief Society President,
This
is a very hard letter for me to write. The desire and need to confide
in you has been bouncing around in my head for a while and I can't
ignore it any longer.
This has been a trying year for me.
Actually, it has been one of the hardest of my life and yet also the
most spiritual and comforting. I found out at the beginning of this year
that my husband has struggled with an addiction to pornography since he
was a teenager. There were long periods of sobriety, sometimes years
long and many bishops and feelings of “I’ve got this”. He would
continually follow his priesthood leader’s guidance to ‘study your
scriptures more, pray more and attend the temple more’, in an effort to
conquer this trial. He first told me about his "problem" a year or two
into our marriage, but it wasn't until earlier this year that we
recognized this “problem” as an actual addiction, not because of the
intensity and escalations, but rather due to the cycles. Once we started
treating it as an addiction, or an illness, then we both began to heal
and recover.
When I married, I made all of the "right" choices. I
married my stalwart, returned missionary for time and all eternity.
There was so much emphasis on temple marriage that I felt that it was
the end goal. I thought that once you achieved that, life was just
living in the dream you'd built. I knew that there would be bumps in the
road but no lesson from Young Women's or Sunday School, or even
college, prepared me for the pain and trauma that would leave me
crumpled in a heap on my closet floor. Nothing taught me how to pull
myself from the darkness that left me in my pajamas for weeks at a time.
There was no lesson that let me know that my eternal companion could
betray me in such a personal, devastating way.
My husband is a
good man, who became ensnared by a vicious, plaguing addiction. It
changed him. It took my kindhearted, loving husband and caused him to be
selfish, cruel, critical and manipulative. This addiction caused him to
repeatedly look me in the eyes, and lie. I was left feeling crazy and
insecure. This journey has taught me that the real damaging issue is not
the pornography, but the changes in behaviors and unhealthy ideals
caused by the pornography. That is the true cause of the trauma.
I have learned that as the spouse of a pornography or sex addict, I have experienced what is called “Betrayal Trauma”. Its symptoms are akin to the symptoms of PTSD.
It comes with all the same triggers and deep rooted emotions that are
felt by a soldier returning from war. I felt isolated. I had been taught
by my addicted husband that this was HIS secret and I would betray him
by seeking help. Because my husband often didn't share my inspiration, I
learned over time that I was unable to really seek, listen to and
discern the direction of the spirit on my own. I felt let down by the
priesthood (because my HUSBAND did this) and often feel like I am living
in a Man's World. I have learned that despite his (and my) discomfort,
the best way for me to heal, is to talk about my trauma. I need a safe
way to release these negative feelings caused by the addiction so that
they don’t fester and cause resentments which make it harder to heal and
forgive my husband. It is healing and helpful to be able to say to a
safe person, “I am devastated and hurt because ____________.” I need
supportive family and friends. I needed to educate myself about
addiction and the effects it has. I needed group and individual therapy.
I needed a many different ways to feel loved, supported and validated,
without judgment.
Recovering from an addiction and being a
recovering spouse is HARD. We are under intense pressure and suffering
from real diagnosable trauma. We don't always make the right choices or
behave in healthy ways. But, we are TRYING. So hard. And we are HURTING.
So bad. We don't want to be judged, we want to be loved and validated.
With technology ever changing, it could be in any home or marriage, at
any minute. This problem is wide spread and growing. According to Andrew
of Rowboats and Marbles, 70% of men
between the ages of 18 and 34 visit a pornographic website at least
once a month. This problem is no longer confined to men either. We are
all made to be sexual creatures, it is part of His divine master plan
and we are all susceptible to the temptation. Through recovery, I have
met many women struggle too. This is a human disease.
This
journey has changed me. I have come to realize that my worth and value
is determined by who I am, or rather whose I am, and not by my husband's
choices or even by my own. My worth is constant. A bad choice does not
make me, or him, a bad person, it only makes it a bad choice. It doesn't
change my divine worth or his. I am learning so much, about who I am
and the kind of person I want to be. I am learning and gathering
resources about addiction that I would love to share with others who are
struggling. This addiction, like many others, feed from shame and
secrecy. I am contacting you because I am trying to break my silence. As
scary as it is, I would be willing to be a friend to any wife who is
suffering. I would love to support and validate her and feel supported
and validated in return. I have found such strength from The Healing Through Christ 12 step program, the Church's spousal PASG program, Addo Recovery, The Togetherness Project, and Lifestar. I have books, blogs, forums
and websites and I would love to share with her all of these resources.
I am contacting you because even though I don't feel the need to shout
it from the rooftops, I also I don't feel the need to suffer in silence
any more. I would like to bask in the light of His Love. It is filled
with knowledge, learning, self worth, forgiveness and the Atonement. I
would love to know if anyone else is looking for this light as well.
Thank you so much for your time and love.
Books
He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L Hilton, Jr
What Can I Do About Me? by Rhyll Croshaw
Healing Through Christ (12 step manual for spouses)- can be downloaded for free at www.healingthroughchrist.org
For Addicts and Spouses
LifeSTAR: www.lifestarnetwork.com
(this is a paid program)
List of Blogs: http://ldsaddictionrecoveryblogs.blogspot.com
For Spouses
Addo Recovery: www.addorecovery.com
(this
is a free online program with the option to continue paid online/in
person group therapy. This is a favorite amongst wives...)
Togetherness Project: Women are coming together to heal from the pain and betrayal caused by a loved ones' addiction. There are Conferences and free local and online Communities available.
Online Anonymous Forum: www.hopeandhealinglds.com
Websites
www.rowboatsandmarbles.org
www.fightthenewdrug.org
www.rhyllrecovery.com
www.salifeline.org
http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/
www.awiferedeemed.blogspot.com
This is wonderfully said!
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